Hiding From Light

This morning (1/18/18) I was struck by the truth of Proverbs 18:1 and how it applies to me and the way I spent a year of my life. The verse states “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” I spent 2016 sinking into sin. Deeper and deeper I went each passing day, and the further down I got the further away I hid myself from anyone who would speak truth to me.

It’s interesting that during this time I continued attending church, but I would only go where people didn’t know me well enough to confront me, yet God used a person that I barely had a casual acquaintance with to introduce me to a pastor who prayed truth over me. I believe that prayer had an impact on the circumstances that led me back to my home church and ultimately to my family.

I was attending a church that was located near my children’s school, and while I knew a lot of names and faces, I didn’t have any relationships there with people who would try to interfere in my life. I do believe that there was at least one friend there who was earnestly praying for me though. I know it was heartbreaking for her to see me divided from my family because of the sinful choices I was making. I also know that my home church was praying for me. A visiting missionary even asked me once, after I was back at home, how I was doing having been made aware of my need for prayer.

During my hide I had completely shut out friends who tried to reason with me, but there was one friend who would ask me to go hiking and keep the conversation on a level I was comfortable enough with to keep going back. There was another who would talk to me and just let me know she loved me and avoid making judgements. These two friends were the first that I turned to when I began the long difficult process of turning my life around. There was yet another friend who invited me to a Christmas Tea for some social interaction without questions about my life and my choices. I went. Hiding is a lonely business.

I guess it was as if in my hiding I had friends who shed different levels of light on my path. They ranged from blatant like a spotlight to various flashlights or candles that glimmered in my darkness. Today I am thankful for all of these friends. They didn’t give up on me regardless of how far I had fallen and how much I pushed them away. They were there for me when I needed them in their unique ways. The hiking friend invited me to move into her guest room during my transition period. I stayed there for many weeks before it was time to move back home.

I am now on a path of recovery. It’s taken me a year to get this far. I have struggled and stumbled and felt like I was getting nowhere. I have seen progress only to meet discouragement and feelings of defeat. I have made it back to my feet, by the power of Christ, and continued on myself journey. It feels like this process is going to go on forever. Occasionally I almost feel normal, but my past is always there lurking in the shadows. Thank goodness I have so much light to shine around me!

I often struggle to believe that God will use me after I sinned in such a big way. People know what I’ve done. Who will listen to me? Yet I hope that someday I am able to use the lessons that I learned the hard way to help steer others down a better road than the one that I was on. I also hope that I am able to help those who have strayed as I did to take the steps to turn their lives around and encourage them to keep going. I am so thankful that God is a loving Father who is always waiting with open arms when we turn to Him.

How A Grudge Holds You

Who among us has never held a grudge against someone.  A person hurts us in some way and we are unwilling to forgive and let it go.  It happens to everyone at some point in their life I am sure.  The problem with holding a grudge though is that you either have to be a hypocrite, or you have to hold yourself to an unattainable standard.  Just as everyone has had wrong done to them, so each of us has also wronged others in our life.  To be unforgiving one must either consider his own actions more excusable that those of his peers, or he must be perfectly able to avoid ever offending another.  If the grudge holder does offend another, which is inevitable, he would then have to also be unforgiving toward himself in order to avoid hypocrisy. To be unforgiving toward your fellow man is to be your own worst enemy.  Trying to measure up to a perfect standard in order to justify harboring anger toward another is a bitter pill to swallow.  

This is a struggle I have been familiar with.  Perhaps I should in some strange way be thankful that my faults and mistakes are so colossal that I have no notion of trying to justify them as "less wrong" than someone else's.  My only hope is in Jesus Christ who bore the penalty for my horrendous error on the cross.  He is the One I have wronged above all, and He is the One who has forgiven me completely.  He is also the only One who has a right to hold a grudge, because He is perfect.  He has no fault of His own to compel Him to forgive others, yet He clears us of all our wrongs when we trust in Him.  If my perfect Savior is willing to freely forgive, how much more should this grievous sinner be willing to forgive other sinners.  

Letting go of a grudge is perhaps the most freeing feeling there is because it allows you to finally face your own guilt and let it go.  Admitting your own shortcomings and allowing others to have theirs gives you space to live outside the prison bars of retained anger.  I hope if this is something that you struggle with that you will take an inward look and choose to free yourself from the cruel and unrelenting master called unforgiveness.  In reality you don't hold a grudge, a grudge holds you. 

True Story

"Is there anything in  your purse you are going to need?"  What an eye opening question.  I would not be needing it or anything in it, nor would I be permitted to have it for the next week.  It has a strap after all.  The next thing to go would be my shoelaces.  I was surrendering my freedom for an undermined period of time to be spent in a confined facility for psychiatric patients.  Was this a nightmare?  It may have seemed like one, but for the time being it was a reality that I was living one day at a time.  Why was I there?  My Psychiatrist recommended it.  I had be thinking of self harm, and my medication needed to be straightened out.  With my previous anti depressant exacerbating my condition, a controlled and monitored environment seemed the best situation for the introduction of the next option.  

The timing was quite inconvenient as I would be missing my kids getting all dressed up for prom.  Chalk it up to one more special day I have missed.  Thankfully I have pictures to look at.  It was Heather's first prom and Austin's last.  In the pictures Heather is beautiful;  Austin and Karissa are the most handsome, charming couple.  During my confinement I also missed two concerts.  Austin even accompanied the choir on piano for one of the songs.  I had no idea that was going to be the case.  He is a self taught pianist, and I was unaware he would have that opportunity. From what I was told the Middle School song that featured the male voices was basically a solo for Darren as well.  Another moment I will never get back.  

Despite what I was missing on the outside, there was a measure of comfort in being hospitalized.  I was not alone.  The people there were all struggling like I was.  Everyone's story was different, but everyone had the common thread of emotional pain.  I managed to stay engaged in activities during much of my stay instead of wallowing in my own problems.  My one roommate had similarities to me that made us able to relate to each other and open up about our pasts in a way that would not have happened with someone who did not share circumstances so much alike.  

While I was there another patient was missing her Senior Prom.  A girl who had experienced that same situation one year previous suggested to staff that we throw her one in our ward.  The staff agreed and we had a little excitement to get us through, focusing on someone else's trouble instead of our own.  Decorations were made and assembled, and the girl's mother even brought her gown.  In the end it did not work out so well.  The decorations went up, but the young girl was shy and anxious.  She barely made it down to the group room to see what had been done because another patient that had just come in was angry with staff and made a major commotion.  She finally came down in here street clothes, and I think that in itself was terribly uncomfortable for her.  The experience did, however,  show us what we could accomplish together.  

The staff for the most part were so busy taking care of formalities that they had little time to support our emotional needs.  Some of the therapy sessions that were scheduled never even happened.  There were a couple of staff people who were more engaged than others and would make use of what little time presented itself.  They weren't just doing a job.  Those few people had a heart for helping the hurting.  I am thankful for their example.  For the most part the most therapeutic aspect of the mental health hospital that I was in happened when the patients talked to and helped each other.  

All in all my stay in psychiatric care was a learning experience.  I learned that I need to stay connected to people, particularly people who share common mental health concerns.  I learned that it is good to find a creative outlet for my emotions.  I had already discovered this point at home when I would play my guitar and sing, but it was reinforced through the art therapy classes there.  I wasn't great at expressing the particular aspects of mental health that the teacher was asking for, but I found that by doing a creative project my focus was improved.  I would then try to find a way to tie my project to the theme for the day.  I was also reminded that exercise and fresh air are therapeutic.  My concern now is finding motivation to get myself up and involved in these activities that help with healing and staying positive.  Staying positive is the key after all.   

Woe and Whoa

Woe is me.  People are angry.  People are indignant.  There are fingers pointing at me.  What shall I do?  Am I guilty?  I should be.  I was wrong.  I made bad choices.  I deserve punishment worse than anything they are even considering.  I'll ask again, am I guilty?  I was, but I have been pardoned.  The judge has set me free and counts me as righteous.  Why would He do that?  Because someone else, His own Son, stepped in and willingly paid the penalty for my transgression.  My record says "Not Guilty."  That's how it is. 

Now that the judge has freed me from my guilt, what am I going to do with the shame.  Shame?  I'm not guilty.  Why should I have shame.  Well, shame works differently than guilt.  It's an odd thing really.  The judge frees a person of their sentence but the world does not.  Shame is not as much about what was done as it is about comparison.  If I am seen as having done something worse than the person sitting next to me, I am shamed.  The person on my right thinks they would NEVER do what I had done.  Or would they?  I once was that person, but now I know that there is nothing too low for me to be involved in, and when I avoid certain crimes, sins, behaviors; it is only by the grace of God preventing it.  I am depraved. 

The person on my left actually thinks that they have done things worse than me, so they are shamed.   It's time they understood that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  But Whoa!  You know what?  It's time the guy on my right figures that out too.  A person who thinks that they are better than others based on their own merit is to be pitied most of all.  If they are never able to admit their faults they will never see the need to go to the judge for a pardon.  They will never see "Not Guilty" stamped on their record. 

So what shall I do with the shame?  I think it's time to get out of line.  Why do people spend their time and energy and peace judging each others sins as somehow better or worse than our own?  One thing that has come out of my darkness is a knowledge that penetrates the heart saying, "You are no better than your neighbor."  It should also tell me "your neighbor is no better than you.  You are equals."  There is no shame among equals. 

Woe is me!  I can't seem to forgive myself.  I can't seem to leave the past behind me and move on without the shame.  But, whoa unto me.  Who am I to shame a person Jesus has pardoned? 

This Grace Is 4 U 2

Really?  Could it be for me?   This girl who spent so much energy warning about sins destruction and preaching about grace, mercy and forgiveness, could she be entitled to the benefits of adoption she preached to her brothers and sisters and the world?  This girl fell so far.  She was living deep in sin.  She was living there knowing that she has a Savior who suffered and died for the very things she was doing, and she indulged.  While she was there she knew she was forgiven.  Somehow she was able to wrap her mind around it while she was there, but now that she is turning around she has an awful hard time with the concept.  She believes that her Savior forgives her.  She does.  She is having a most difficult time forgiving herself for so many facets of what she has been through, but what right has she to withhold something that God gives freely.  She can't believe that people will forgive her either.  She can't see her future.  She was once a writing, singing testimony of God's love.  Now, here in this place where God's love is so evident as the only thing that can save her, she fears she has lost the right to be His spokesperson.  She fears she will only be a mockery and laughing stock.  She is so stuck between who she is and who she wants to be that she can't see a way forward.  She knows though.  Deep down she knows.  This grace is for you too child.  Accept it as you would have others accept it.  God will make a way.  That's what He does.  No matter what you've done, He is who He is and that will never change.  He is still your Father.  He still loves you.  He will make a way forward for you and use you again.  It might even transpire before you realize what has happened.  Don't look to the world to forgive you.  Don't be surprised when others won't forgive.  Live in God's grace and forgiveness and leave the world to Him.  In His time you will see the results that now seem impossible.  Your light might seem dim, but let it shine just the same.  Even a dim light is a help in the darkness. 

Ho Hum

Have you ever felt like everyone else gets the best of your family: your spouse, your kids, your parents, and you just get whatever is left over?  Do you ever feel like there just isn't much left over?  I have to think that everyone must feel that way sometimes.  We pour ourselves into our work, our ministry, our hobbies, and by the time we get around to being with our families we are exhausted.  We just want to rest, watch TV, veg out with a video game, or whatever low energy  solitary activity we enjoy.  Have you ever come home and tried to have a conversation with someone who is only half listening?  Have you ever been that person who keeps on reading while you attempt to make sense of what someone is telling you.  I am here to tell you that I am guilty of this, and so is everyone around me.  

What has happened to us?  Have we become so overwhelmed and overstimulated by society that we shut out the people who truly care about us.  Are we showing love when we half ignore the people in our homes.  One person is ready to have a conversation, the other can't look away from the computer.  The first person gives up and goes to find something quiet to do by their self, meanwhile the previously occupied person seeks them out to try to talk about what has been on their mind.  No one is listening to anyone else, at least they aren't REALLY listening.  We are letting our relationships slip away one TV show, one computer game, one nap at a time.  

I recently read an account of a man whose elderly mother moved into an apartment adjoining his house so that he and his family could help her with the things she needed assistance with.  He began to notice that she was usually watching TV when he came to say hello, but that as soon as he walked in she would turn the television off.  He began to think about this and realized that it was something she had always done.  She was showing her love for him by turning off the distractions and focusing fully on him during the time that he was there.  

I believe part of our problem is that we take each other for granted.  We live in the same house, we share the same food, we sit in the same living room, and we think that there will always be time later. The clock, however, keeps ticking away and we just continue on in our patterns of self absorbed distractions.  How many of us are lonely?  How many of us are becoming resentful?  How many of us are waiting for the people around them to engage?  I want to suggest that the only way to break the cycle is to commit to changing our own habits.  We cannot expect others to do for us what we are not willing to do for them.  I can put down my game of Scrabble and look my husband in the eye when he speaks to me, my automated opponent won't even notice.  I can push myself away from the desk and face my children when they ask me a question.  I can ask someone to go for a walk with me instead of laying down and taking a nap.  Maybe when they see how good it feels to have someone give them the time of day, they will want to do the same for others. 

If you've been feeling like you are being ignored, don't let discouragement and frustration get the best of you.  Be proactive.  Set an example worth following.  Make the changes that only you can make, and be amazed with what other changes follow.  Let's put our families back together, and let's start by being there for each other not only as a physical presence in the room, but with our minds and spirits and all that we are.  No more ho hum family bonds. It's time to make this real!

What I Lack

In this age of hot topics and heated debates it is easy to get drawn into an argument.  The vast majority seems to feel the need to pick a team and fight for their agenda.  I'm on a team, but it's not one of the more popular ones.  I'm on the Jesus team.  While others are looking for a fight and loudly proclaiming their position, I have to have faith that my position is clear without offensive words.  It's not that I don't have convictions on these matters, rather it's that Christ in me is teaching this vessel of His what is important.

Is purity important?  Yes, it is, so I should live as purely as I possibly can.  Is honesty important? Yes, so I should be honest at all times.  Is kindness important?  Why yes, yes it is!  That means that when I am called to speak I must speak the truth with kindness, though it may oppose popular opinion.  Is love important?  Indeed, Jesus said love is most important.  The apostle Paul wrote a beautiful chapter about it in Corinthians, trust me and click the link; it's worth the read.

So my desire is to exhibit love, what I lack is the willingness to unnecessarily alienate those who disagree with the truths I hold dear.  Does that mean I will not share my heart on these subjects?  No, it just means that I will do my utmost to do it at the right time and in the right context. It means that I want others to know that I will speak the truth from my heart, but that I will do so with respect and concern, not out of a need to be right or win an argument.  That means I have to have a relationship of trust with those I speak with.

Many of the issues we tear each other up over, on both sides, are fads or traditions that the crowds follow with the same uninformed eagerness that they follow fashion trends. Often rather than a true conviction of the heart and mind, we make our decisions based on emotion and desire.  We fail to step back and try to gain some perspective.  Why am I so dedicated to this principle?  Have I given the opposite point of view adequate consideration?  What is at the core of my belief system, and do my walk and my talk align with my values?  If I really examine my arguments, can I find a double standard in them?

I am willing to have discussions on the hot topics, but I would like to have them in the context of mutual respect.  If it has to be an argument with nasty, angry words and name calling, then it's not worth having because no one is really listening to anyone else. Let's take the time to listen to each other.  Let's make the effort to relate rather than react.  Let's remember to treat others the way we want them to treat us, not necessarily the way they are treating us.  Let's demonstrate 1 Corinthians 13 love:  real love.        

"...I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day."  2 Timothy 1:12

Free From the False Fine (And So Much More)

The more I felt depression winning the battle the more I learned to dread the question.  In fact the question only added to my conviction that I was better off not being around people, and they were better off not being around me.  I valued truth and honesty even as the lies were being hurled relentlessly in my direction and I was believing them.  I wanted to be genuine, but no one wanted to hear the real answer to the question.  "Hi, how are you?"  

"Well, since you asked, I'm completely miserable, but I am afraid to talk to anyone about it.  Anytime I try I am met with admonition about how I should be counting my blessings and how much worse someone else has it.  Ironic, I am sensible enough to know that my circumstances are more favorable than most, but I can't shake this cloud hanging over my head.  I can't see two steps in front of me. Knowing that others have it worse really isn't a comfort, it's a guilt trip, and the last thing I need right now is guilt to carry through this fog.  If you really want to help me, then encourage me.  I can't think rationally, so I will probably believe the ugly voices inside my head instead, but you could try to give me some hope." 

No one wants to hear that answer, and if I had given it I would only feel like I had somehow begged for compliments.  So, what's the go to answer that anyone in my position would give?  Fine.  I hated the question, and I hated the answer.  It was a lie.  There was nothing fine about me, and even if I could have withstood the responses, it was socially unacceptable to tell the truth.  I saw this image in social media today, and it gave me that last nudge I needed to write on a topic I have been contemplating since I finally got real help.  

It didn't take long after my husband scheduled an appointment with my doctor, and I began treatment, that I felt an improvement, but I was still too unstable to face opposition.  I was so afraid that I would be judged for taking an anti depressant.  "You are a Christian.  The Joy of The Lord is supposed to be your strength. You're not supposed to need medication.  Maybe you're not who I thought you were."  The underlying message:  If you can't lean on The Lord to get you through this without pills, you're a failure."  I knew the medication was helping, and I knew that any outside discouragement would only complicate things, so I kept it a secret for a while.

I didn't want to keep it a secret forever though.  I have gradually shared my experience with friends and family.  There have to be others that are out there feeling like I did.  They are trapped in a heavy mist that they can barely see through, and they are believing many lies from an invisible enemy.  One of those lies it that you're a failure if you accept medical treatment.  I am here to tell you that God created the body, that He understands chemical imbalances, that they are a result of the fall just like diabetes, cancer, or any other illness.  There aren't many people out there who would tell someone with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or insulin dependence not to take their medicine, but you cross over into psychological issues like ADHD, depression and anxiety, and suddenly there's a barrage of well meaning people who will try to tell you that very thing.  "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."  "It's mind over matter."  "Where's your faith?"  

I have struggled with bouts of depression all my life.  I won't go into the family history side of things, but I believe it was passed down to me.  Last year things got so bad with my "mood disorder" that I could see it's devastating affect on my own children.  My daughter despised me, and my youngest son was showing signs of depression.  I thought about the misery of my childhood, and how medical intervention could have made a world of difference.  I decided that I didn't want to let pride ruin my family, but I was afraid.  My husband finally asked if I wanted him to make and appointment, and I admitted that I did.  I needed help.  I didn't just need help; I needed help getting help.  I began iron replacement treatments because I was depleted and exhausted, and we left with a prescription that the three of us agreed would wait until the iron had a chance to revive me a bit.  We wanted to see how much improvement there would be with the iron alone.  It wasn't enough.  I wasn't just physically exhausted though that was a catalyst.  Once my serotonin level began to recover, my relationship with my daughter began to improve and heal.  My youngest son began to come around too.  He's a happy-go-lucky guy now.  Even my older two sons who were better able to deal with my emotional roller coaster are much happier.  

I do have the joy of The Lord, but I was sick.  I thank God often for the tiny little pill that helped stabilize my emotions and allow me to think rationally.  It didn't change who I am, it changed my ability to control my reactions.  I don't feel drugged, I feel human again.  I can't adequately describe what I felt like before, but it was like I didn't even recognize myself.  I wasn't who I wanted to be, or even who I really am.  I was angry all the time for practically no reason.  I couldn't cope with everyday issues in life.  I would get completely fixated on a conceived problem, and could not move on or let it go.  The smallest thing could shut me down or, well, blow me up like a raging volcano spewing all over everyone in my path. 

Today is a new day.  I still have some that are difficult, and they scare me because I never want to go back there again.  A bad day can feel like a relapse, but when it's over I can appreciate it for its brevity and the reminder to be all the more thankful for the good ones.  If you ask me how I am I still cringe a little on the inside.  It's time to get over that and remove the word "fine" from my vocabulary.  No matter what kind of day or week I am having, even if the medicine were to stop working altogether, I am a child of God: I am bought with a price, I am ransomed, I am redeemed.  "I AM FREE!"  Even in a cloud under enemy fire, "I AM FREE!"  That was the one thing I knew even when the night was darkest.  My soul cannot be bound by the chains of sin, though my body and mind be subjected to it's effects.  Because my Savior lives I can always answer, "I AM FREE!"

The Good, The Bad, and The Forgiven

I am kinda tired of everyone judging someone else as if their own sins aren't "as bad."  Yes, I do it, you do it, we all do it.  Everyone has that one thing they just can't stand and consider unforgivable.  Thank God He sent His Son so that every sin can be forgiven and left it the past where it belongs.  I sure wouldn't want to suddenly be the object of disdain today for something I did as a teen.  I'm not "the same person" I was back then.  I still mess up all the time.  I just mess up differently.  Who am I to look at someone and say their sin is worse than mine?  Of course being sorry for what you have done and striving not to do it anymore definitely counts for something.  Refusing to acknowledge your own guilt is the real issue:  thinking that you should be considered righteous based on your own actions, or even despite them, without admitting that you are guilty and need a Savior.  

So many people today live with a double standard, just like the Pharisees that Jesus rebuked time and time again.  Somehow they thought they could define "the rules" so that they applied to everyone but them.  They refused to open their eyes and see that this very thing is what made them so despicable.  God has set the standards of right and wrong according to His own nature.  Anything that is uncharacteristic of God Himself is sin.  He is truth.  Being untruthful is therefore sin.  He is just.  Being unjust is therefore sin.  Is He fair?  Would you consider executing one perfect man to pay the penalty for every sinful man and woman who would ever believe fair?  I say it's not fair.  It is just.  The sin was committed, and the sin was paid for, but it's not fair.  Fair would be for each of us to be punished for our own sin.  It may not seem fair that the thing you or I want to do, or the lifestyle you or I want to live is considered sin.  It doesn't have to be fair.  If we depended on what was fair we would be doomed.  Grace isn't fair.  Grace is receiving kindness you don't deserve.  Mercy isn't fair.  Mercy is being pardoned from a punishment you do deserve.  If we could all just take off our self righteous masks and say, "I am a sinner.  This thing that I do, or this way that I have been living deserves punishment.  I trust in Jesus who took the punishment for me so that I could live for Him," if we could just say it and mean it with all of our hearts, we could see that we are no better and no worse than the others around us.  The difference may just be that they haven't understood yet what Jesus did for them.  The difference could be that we are trusting in our works and "causes" to justify us. It might just be time to humble ourselves.  The difference could be a simple conversation explaining that there is forgiveness available for any and every sin or crime that has been committed.  Are we ready to make a difference?   

I am not going to condone sin, or defend the act, but I will view each person as one who has been made and loved by the God of the universe.  I will respect their rights as a human being, and will treat them with kindness even if I must reject their actions.  It's easier said than done.  The actions of others hurt me and those I love.  There is emotional and sometimes physical damage because of the way people have treated us or because of things they have exposed to us that we should not have had to witness.  Forgiving them and viewing them as someone who deserves God's forgiveness as much as I do is a hard pill to swallow, but for the sake of wellness and healing and my own forgiven state, it must be swallowed.  After all, look at how many times I myself have hurt or offended someone else.  Look at the emotional scarring my words have caused or even the injury that my anger or carelessness has caused.  We are equal in wrongdoing. We are equal in the fact that Christ died for both of us.  If we are not equal in our decision to trust in Him, then I pray for that to change.

Lord, please help me to see others the way you see them.  Please show me the things in my life that I need to turn from so that I am truly following you, and help the person reading this to take into consideration the heart of this matter and trust you to forgive them for things they haven't even been able to face as sin before.  Help us all to forgive others as we ourselves have been forgiven.  

In Jesus name I pray these things, amen.

Helplessly Watching

The tears in my eyes flow from my heart.  People say you have to do what's best for you so you can be happy.  What do they know?  This is a very popular lie!  Are you really going to be happy when you've hurt everyone around you:  your friends, your brother, your mother...  Don't you think they know something about what is best for you.  Don't you think they are hurting because they know you've chosen the wrong path? You asked for advice and then you ignored it.  That's how a kingdom was divided once upon a time.  The new king asked his father's advisers what he should do, but he didn't like their answer so he asked his foolish friends.  Whose advise did he take?  He took the advice he wanted to hear.  He knew just who to ask to get the answer he wanted.  There's no way to keep the hurt from snowballing now. Everyone will end up being hurt in the end.  I love you, and I just can't bear this.  You are making such a huge mistake.  I wish I could have prevented it, but some things have to be learned the hard way.  Wisdom is knowing who will tell you the truth and having the courage to follow their advice.  I hope when you realize what you have given up it will still be there for you to win back.

Silly Goat!

Yesterday morning I had a little mishap and one of our goats, Buttermilk, ended up getting out of the pen.  She has kids who are four weeks old, and they were inside the pen.  She wanted to get in to them, but she wouldn't use the gate and refused to let me help her.  Every time I got near her she would dodge me and try to find her own way in.  She walked along the fence as if expecting to find an opening that had not been there before.  Her kids are so cute and fun to watch, so I gave her some space and grabbed the camera for a video of their new jumping game.  In the video you can see Buttermilk outside the pen walking along the fence.  Silly goat!  After a while I went looking for Darren, because I thought she might respond better to him.  I am more associated with discipline.  "You have to get on the milk stand Buttermilk."  "Buttermilk, hold still."  "No, Buttermilk, you can't have Edelweiss' food."  Darren wasn't here though, he had gone out with his Dad, so Heather brought up some food at my request, and as soon as Buttermilk saw the food enter the gate she followed.  

This reminds me that Jesus is the gate, and He is the only way to Heaven.  Many of us are like Buttermilk.  We want to go to Heaven, but we spend our lives looking for our own way in.  There is no other way.  When someone tries to help us, we make a dash the other direction.  We nibble the grass on the outside, but hunger for what is inside.  Often it is when someone reaches a point of desperation that they finally realize their need and enter the gate that has been there all along.  They finally realize the provision that has been made and stop looking at the provider as a cold enforcer of rules.  Inside the pen there is shelter and protection.  Inside the pen there are loved ones waiting. Inside the pen there is sustenance.  Inside the pen there is joy, but the gate is the only way.

Come to the gate, it will be opened for you.  Come to Jesus, He laid down His life for you!

John 10:9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture.

A Void Where Inhibited

Important note:  I wrote this post in September and left it unpublished until now.  After writing it I decided, with Eric's help,  to receive all the treatment offered.  I am doing much better!  I'm sharing this in case it helps someone who can relate.

 My life is so full, but I feel so empty.  What is this vapor that consumes me? Where does this fog come from that obscures all the blessing I know to be veiled by it?  Dare I call it depression?  Should I be allowed the luxury of a diagnosis that is treatable?   How many people whose support I long for would judge and condemn me for accepting treatment?  How many would instead praise God that there is help for me?  It's so frustrating to be sick and feel obligated to refuse the medicine that could help.  It seems ridiculous that I should be struggling with this since my circumstances seem so easy, but there are also echoes from my childhood to take into consideration.

Eric took me to the doctor on Friday.  I have not been well.  The physical symptoms aren't alarming.  I am tired.  My arms and legs feel week.  I can't quite describe this.  In a way it feels like I have used them much harder than I actually have, but on the other hand they feel almost numb. My heart feels about the same as my arms and legs.  The smallest things seem to wear me out emotionally, and I would  often rather be asleep than awake because I am weary of the thoughts in my head.  It's easy for people to tell me, "just think about the positive and count your blessings," but like I said before it's like I'm in a fog.  It's disorienting.  

My doctor is a great guy.  He spent a lot of time with Eric and I trying to sort through to the cause of these symptoms, taking my faith seriously as we discussed the emotional issues.  It is definite that my iron level is very low, and that causes tiredness, sleep disruption, and can otherwise affect the brain's ability to process things.  I will be receiving intravenous iron treatments every two weeks, which began Friday, until I have had four of them.  None of us, my doctor, Eric or I, are fully convinced that all of my symptoms are being caused by the iron deficiency though.  Depression is a factor to be considered.  Could I cope with it if I was felling better physically, or is my mood actually causing some of the physical symptoms?  We don't know.  

I have a couple of options.  I can wait to see what happens with the iron alone, or I can also start a low dose anti depressant. If the latter were to help that would be a sign that there is a chemistry problem in my brain, and if it wouldn't help I would stop taking it.  We have all three agreed to give the iron a few days to improve my energy level before deciding to take the other medication.  I probably won't feel much improvement until the third day.  I know I have a history of emotional struggles; what I don't know is how long I have been iron deficient, or how significant of an impact that has on my emotions.  I do know this:  I do not wish to let my pride stand in the way of wellness, nor do I want my children to be continually subject to the negative influence of a depressed mother.  

I am very much feeling inhibited.  I haven't been feeling like I can't participate on the Worship Team, or in certain Sunday School discussions.  I skipped a teacher training meeting for CEF, and sometimes just won't answer the phone.  I shy away from social settings because of my inibility to handle my emotions.  I have made blunders recently that I do not wish to repeat.  I know that I am irrational when I am overly tired or hungry, and right now I am always tired.  It doesn't take much to push me over the edge.  I don't like the way I act or the things that I hear myself saying much of the time.  I feel lonely because seclusion seems easier and safer than interaction.  On top of all of that I feel like I would be judged by friends and family for taking the medication, but I don't think I would want to hide it either.  I go to Facebook to see friends in a context where I am not necessarily expected to speak; I am really feeling alone. I know God is here.  Jesus said, "My sheep know my voice," but I have such difficulty focusing in on it in the emotional chaos.  Perhaps I am too busy stumbling around in my heart even as I lie still in my bed. I want the other voices to cease so I can hear His.  I pray for healing.  God is great, God is good, and God is worthy of my praise regardless of how I feel.  Praise The Lord!

In The Gutter

As I was walking to the post office today I spotted a nail on the side of the road.  It was in the gutter and I walked right passed it, but as soon as I did my heart spoke to me.  "You know if you leave that there someone could end up with a flat tire."  I realized that essentially that flat tire would be my fault because I could have taken a step to prevent it but instead ignored that opportunity.  I walked back a few steps and then forward again and saw the nail once more.  This time I picked it up and removed it from its threatening position.  As I carried it I pondered this lesson...

It isn't such a big deal to pick up a nail from the side of the road, but when I think of all the things I could do and don't, it is overwhelming.  How many much more serious situations could I play an intervening role in?  How could I help orphaned children?  How could I help feed the hungry?  How could I help people with disabilities find meaningful productive employment?  How many hopeless hearts could I turn to The Savior?  

I can't help everyone, but I can help someone!  I can't stop every accident or injury from happening, but there are some that I can take proactive steps to prevent.  I can't clean up every messy situation, but I can role up my sleeves and pitch in.  I can't take care of every orphan in the world, but I can make a difference for some.  I can't feed every hungry person in the world, but I can feed some.  I don't know how to help the disabled, but I can support those who do.  I won't be able to lead every lost soul to Christ, but I can start a chain reaction every time I show one person The Way.

It's time to start making more of a positive impact on the world.  It's time to start helping people out of the gutter, picking them up off the side of the road regardless of how they got there.  I pray for the strength.  My last blog post was about running.  I confess, I have stopped again.  Low iron levels sapped my energy, and I quit.  That doesn't mean I am done for good, but I'm definitely taking an extended break again.  I take a lot of naps these days, but I don't want to be all talk and no action.  I don't want to write this post and then do nothing.  I will be emailing a friend today to see how I can help with their cause.  

Praising The Lord for His goodness and mercy!

James 1:27  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
 

Hands Lifted High

In November of last year I quit running.  I would do a little on the treadmill or elliptical here or there, but I really gave up.  In April of this year I came back, and it was hard.  I felt awful and wanted to quit, but I was inspired to literally lift my hands in praise to God and keep going.  Whenever I felt like quitting over those first few weeks, I would lift my hands in praise.  Soon it wasn't as hard and I began lifting my hands in Praise when I felt good.  People driving down the road probably wonder what I am doing, but I am trying to form a habit of praise regardless of how I feel or who is watching. 

I have to admit that I am having a harder time applying this principle to real life.  Sometimes I just get caught up in how bad I feel.  Sunday was the worst day I have had in a long time, and Monday was a close second.  As I sobbed over something I had done that filled me with regret, at one point I did force my hands in the air.  See, I can't always change the way I feel, but raising my hands is something I can physically do, despite how I feel.  It signifies that I am recognizing God's goodness.  

This is something I should practice more, acknowledging that God is greater than my feelings whether  they are good or bad, physical or emotional.  I want to be honest and sincere, so I don't want to pretend that I feel differently than I do, but giving glory to God can be an act of the will even when  my emotions aren't on the same page.  I often wish that I didn't struggle with these negative feeling, and that I could just always be bubbling over with happiness, but that's just not the way things are.  I know that joy is a fruit of the Spirit, so I become concerned when I don't feel joyful, but I should bear  joy in my actions just as I should act lovingly even when I don't feel like it: not as a performance, but as an act of the will.  

I know that my melancholy moods bring the people around me down too.  I surely don't want to be a thundercloud, I would much rather be a ray of sunshine.  Lately things have been rather gloomy, but I really need to let go of those clouds and let the light shine.  I really surprised myself today when someone asked me how I was, and I replied that I was "good" in a fairly convincing way.  I try to avoid doing that if I don't really mean it.  I heard the words come out of my mouth and thought, "What did I just say?  Is that the truth?"  I think there must be some truth to it.  I am definitely much better than I was two days ago even though I feel tired and still lack motivation in places where I am usually most motivated.

I guess it is time to lift my hands to heaven and praise God because He doesn't change like my feelings and moods do; He is always good, and He loves me even though I am a mess...  for now.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:9

What Just Happened?

We stopped at Sheetz in Bellewood today and ended up paying for an unexpected performance.  What I mean to say is: I think we were scammed.  As I was closing the door to the Suburban, a women approached asking for help.  She appeared to be on the verge of hysteria and rather in a hurry.  She told us that her mother had been in an accident and was life flighted to Pittsburgh.  She had called her sister-in-law to come take her out there, but had left in such a hurry she didn't have any money for gas.  If we could just give her $10 she would mail it back to us later.  Yes there were definitely yellow flags all over the situation, but I looked at Eric and he pulled a ten dollar bill out of his wallet.  He handed it to me, and I handed it to the lady.  She said again, "I can send it back to you."  The words that came out of my mouth were something like this:  "In the name of Jesus, God bless you."  Meanwhile I grabbed the woman's hand and squeezed it for a second.  It was like I was not myself.  As she turned to get back in the car with her "sister-in-law" I told her we would pray for her mother, and she said, "God bless you." 

I did glance over to see what she did when she got in the car.  She was talking to the other lady and still seemed to have her tears on.  As I took Eric's hand and bowed my head to pray over a situation I suspected to be fake, the car backed out and drove away without stopping at the gas pump.  They even yelled thank you out the window.  It seemed they were much more cheerful.  A moment earlier she had said, "God bless you," as she had gotten in the car still acting shaken and frightened.  Now it seemed they might be laughing at us.  I had hoped they were sincere despite the feeling that it was a set up, and yet I didn't want her mother to be hurt.  When they were gone and I had prayed for the mom, I expressed my thoughts about what had just transpired.  My sweet daughter didn't want to believe it, and was a bit shocked that I would jump to that conclusion, but after she recalled the details I think she was in agreement.  We all know that $10 worth of gas wasn't going to get them anywhere near Pittsburgh.  I told her that we want to be able to think the best of people, but we have to be cautious too.  We all know that $10 worth of gas wasn't going to get those ladies anywhere near Pittsburgh.  My girl wanted to know why she would have done that for $10.  I told her that if she gets $10 from 300 people she'll have $3,000.  As fishy as it was I don't think we would have given her much more money.

The truth is that we did give her much more than $10.  We showed love and compassion for her.  We treated her as though the circumstances she described were real, and we cared about her.  We shared our faith with her in a couple of short sentences.  We didn't get to tell what Jesus had done for her, but as I squeezed her hand I felt something.  I felt like I was being used as a conduit of God's love.  In a way I received a blessing.  I have no idea what she will use the money for, but maybe that scene will replay in her mind as it does in mine.  Maybe she felt God's love for her at that moment as I did.  Maybe it will be one of many signposts along her journey that point her to Jesus.  Maybe, though, she will just laugh about it and talk about what fools Christians are;  God's Word does say, "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."  1 Corinthians 1:18.  Regardless of what she does, we can have peace in knowing that we did what we could in the moment.  I will pray for the mother despite my suspicions, but I will pray for the daughter all the more.  

Maybe I am wrong.  I don't think so, but I could be.  Maybe she was so happy that someone helped her that she forgot to get gas.  I doubt it, but either way neither Eric or I see any other way that we should have handled the situation as it was.  Maybe we were meant to just show her love.  Maybe we were meant to pray for her.  Maybe we were meant to warn others to beware of the scam in that location.  Watch out if you stop at Sheetz in Bellewood.  I would guess that is not the only location they are visiting, and they are surely not the only ones out there doing this kind of thing, so please just use caution wherever you are. As it is we are only $10 poorer monetarily, but we are a bit more rich in experience.  I pray that God uses the interaction to shine a little light in the woman's heart.  It's a very weird feeling, having the feeling of being taken advantage of, and yet not knowing for sure.  If something like this were to happen again we could consider offering to make the purchase ourselves instead; the tank may have already been full. It was so surreal, though, and neither of us really hesitated.  I have the feeling that we were meant to deliver the message as we did. 

Celebrate Life!

On the morning of October 4 our family is planning to participate in the Celebrate Life 5K and 10 mile bike ride.  We won't all be doing both.  They start at the same time, so we will have to chose one or the other.  I, Juanita, plan to run the 5K, while the kids will likely want to ride their bikes.  Eric will probably run or walk depending on his physical condition.  His back often bothers him, so it will depend on how he is feeling in October. I may end up walking with Eric or we might both decide to ride with the kids depending on the circumstances.  We don't have to decide that quite yet, but we are all going to get out there and do this!  Each member of the family was given a choice of whether or not to participate, and they all said yes.  :)

Celebrate Life is an important fundraising event for the Pregnancy Resource Clinic in State College.  PRC's mission is  to educate, encourage, and empower men and women to make informed life choices. Their services include free and confidential pregnancy tests, ultrasound, STI testing/treatment, materials assistance, abortion recovery support, and more.  Our family wants to help by raising $1200 ($200 per person) in sponsorship for Celebrate Life.  

There are a couple of ways you can get involved!  If you would like to contribute to our fundraising goal you can do that at The Huyett Family's Fundraising Page, or if you are not comfortable giving online, you can mail a donation to Pregnancy Resource Clinic, 423 South Pugh Street, State College, PA 16801. The other way you can get involved is by signing up to walk, run or ride.  Participants have the option of paying a $25 registration fee if they prefer not to raise funds.  There are also volunteer opportunities available year round.  You can find information by following this link. 

We count it a privilege to be able to participate in this event for a worthy cause.  We appreciate each of our sponsors and fellow participants, and are blessed by their encouragement, sponsorship and support.  Sometimes people just need a helping hand and someone to guide them.  Your generosity to PRC provides that for people facing unplanned pregnancies and STIs. 

I leave you with this passage from Matthew 25: 34Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

Making A Mark

The world is mourning over the death of one man today.  Robin Williams was loved by so many people.  People who never met him thought the world of him because he made them laugh and he made them cry.  He made a mark on the world with his humor and wit, as well as compassion and kindness, and in his passing he has brought instant attention to the cause of Mental Heath Awareness.  The question has been asked, why would a man like this take his own life?  As I watch the struggle to understand flood social media, and as I read post after post on the dangers of depression, I can't help but reflect on my own struggles.

As a teen I remember thinking about suicide.  I remember the feeling that I just wasn't important to anyone, how could I forget, I still struggle with the same thoughts today.  I remember scratching at my wrists with an object that barely had an edge.  What was I doing?  Crying out for some attention is probably the best answer, but flirting with the possibility might be a close second.  I was just making a mark, but what if I slipped and cut deep enough?  It wasn't really going to happen, but what if?  All I really succeeded in doing was scaring my closest friends and causing them to worry about me, but truthfully I still think about dying and wonder how much people would care if I were gone.  I'm only being honest here.  Maybe someone can relate to how I feel and know that they are not alone.  Maybe someone out there is searching for the listening ear of someone who understands.  I understand.  
 

About two years ago I was caught in a pretty tough depression.  As I read the posts of the current day about what depression is really like, I definitely understand what they are talking about. I don't really flirt with suicide anymore. I firmly believe that when I leave this earth is not my decision to make. That may be why I only ever flirted with it in the first place, or it may be because I have just never hit the ultimate bottom.  Either way, instead of planning out how to end my life I would sometimes think about how I might die quickly in an accident or sudden collapse without taking anyone with me.  I would be driving down the road alone thinking, "I am going to drive like I always do, but if that tractor trailer hits me it wouldn't be so bad as long as I die instantly." 

The outcry of today is, if you are depressed go get help!  One of the articles I was reading said that for someone who is depressed, asking for help is counter intuitive.  It is true.  When I was struggling I thought about going to see my doctor, but I didn't have it in me to actually do it.   I hope I never have to go through that again, but if I do I hope someone will take the initiative to step in and help.  While I am sad that Robin Williams ended his life and view it as a tragedy, I hope that good will come from it for others as the seriousness of depression is finally being recognized.  I don't think anyone else could have raised awareness to this degree.  As more and more information is shared I hope that more and more people will be helped.  I hope that they will find the thread of strength that they need to admit what they are going through.  I hope that many will take comfort in the fact that they are not the only one struggling with this, and I hope that friends and family will be understanding, compassionate and willing to get involved.  May the loss of one man's life save the lives of many others.  I don't mean to glorify it or treat it like a heroic thing, nor do I intend to blame or accuse him.  I just know that God can use even tragedy to bring about something good.

Just Because I Can

Last week I helped with VBS.  My job was to hang out with the first grade group and take them from station to station.  It was a large class, and most of the kids were quite upset that they were being called first graders when they were just about to begin second grade.  After the first day they settled down about that and I tried to refrain from calling them first grade.  Since the theme was undercover agents, and as part of the opening skits the students had been ranked as "cadets," that is what I would call out to get the group's attention.

There were several boys in the group who were challenging for one reason or another a it took a lot of work to hold their attention.  There was a pair of cousins who talked a lot, and a couple of kids who seemed to enjoy wrestling.  There was one boy who liked to express defiance, though he usually complied afterward, and there was one boy who was particularly fond of yelling.  Most of the week I didn't notice the yelling, it's not so bad when it's part of the rally, but Thursday night he was doing it while there was relatively little other noise.  There was a big crowd because  it was the evening when all the parents were there to see what the kids had been learning all week. I looked at him and I told him that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.   I explained that there are times when it is appropriate to yell, but this was not one of them.   I told him it would be alright if he raised his hand and was called on to answer a question.  I felt bad though, like I had somehow taken the fun out of it for him.

Later Thursday evening I was talking to Eric, and telling him that a ministry need I had been thinking of filling to had a new volunteer.  I told him that I was glad, and that my words to the boy at VBS were ringing in my ears, "just because you can doesn't always mean you should." For the time being God has specifically placed me in the ministry that leads worship through music.  That doesn't mean that I can't be involved elsewhere, but I want to make sure I am serving well where I am called.  I have served in children's ministry in the past, and still do to some degree with VBS and Good News Club, but I was thinking of  engaging in an aspect of it that it is simply not my time for.  I didn't know it until that moment.

The following morning when I saw the little guy with the big voice I told him that he had taught me a lesson the previous day.  I asked if he would like to know what it was.  He said he did, so I explained that when I told him, "just because you can doesn't mean you should," it helped me see that I don't have to do everything I can do either.  A good friend of mine says that multitasking is the art of doing more than you should worse that you could.  I think I have that right.  That's the general gist anyway.  I happen to agree.  Over committing is a lot like multitasking, only it stretches over a longer period of time.   I am thankful for the peace and relief I felt, for what I learned and that I could share it with the child.

Later that day the same little boy was asked a question by another leader.  "Who are you going to tell about Jesus when you go home?"  His answer was, "me."  The adult replied that he already knew about Jesus, he needed to tell someone else.  I understood him to mean that he knew about Jesus, but he really didn't know Jesus personally.  I stepped aside with him where the other kids couldn't hear and talked to him about it.  He was very emotional and misty eyed.  He said that he wanted to trust Jesus as his Savior, but not then and there; he would do it when he got home.  I don't know if he really went home and began a relationship with the One who gave His life for him, but I am praying for him.  I would rather see someone take the time to really think it through than to just go through the motions.  The words we say and the prayers we pray are meaningless until they are real in our hearts. I do know this, that little guy unexpectedly touched my heart and blessed me.

No Cookie Cutters, Molds or Stencils

If you try to fit people into a mold, either the people will end up bruised and damaged, or the mold will break.  You can't force other people to preform a certain way. There are usually many acceptable ways to accomplish a goal, and each person will have a method that is somehow different from everyone else's. God's a freehand artist.  He created each person uniquely, and each one should be free to serve Him the way they were designed to.  We should be able to express our heart for Him as we minister to those around us.  I am sad and frustrated today because of man made rules and  procedures that must be followed to the specifications of a human taskmaster.  I am burdened.  As a servant I am inhibited by these restrictions.  

Jesus said in Matthew 22:37-40  “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”  There is nothing in there about doing things a certain way, it's just about love.  There is nothing about following a stencil pattern program, it's just about love.  There is nothing about filling a certain number of positions or seats in the pew, it's still just about love.  If each member of the church would truly devote their heart to loving God, they couldn't help but love their neighbor.  If each neighbor was truly loved by a member of God's family, the church, they could hardly avoid being drawn to Him.   

We complicate things with our lists and demands when we could be so effective by just following His two greatest commands.  What were they again?  Oh yes...  Love and love.  Love God, love your neighbor.  He didn't say you had to do it by standing in a certain spot each Sunday morning forcing a smile and speaking with an assigned group of people.  He didn't say you had to do it by following a certain protocol or decorating scheme invented by this or that committee, and he didn't say you had to do it by fulfilling a job description contrived in a document.  He just said love.  Love should flow from inside, not be manufactured on the outside to fit a cookie cutter pattern.  Love must be given freely, not extracted forcefully by a set of expressed expectations.

What if we were to just let down our walls and facades and really do it?  What if we were to love God with all our hearts without reservation or fear, and then let the cup that He fills in our hearts overflow to the people around us.  What if  instead of trying to fix everything that we perceive to be wrong around us we simply reached out our hand to help where we saw a need?  What if instead of targeting people as possible new recruits we welcomed them as friends?  How different would our world be?  How much more joy would we experience if we were acting sincerely instead of staging an act?  How much more would God be glorified?  

I love the church, but I am fed up with programs.  Events are great, and schedules valuable, but I have had it with agendas that bypass the heart.  I don't want to approach visitors like a businessman approaches a customer in a restaurant or retail store.  I don't want to be a waitress who serves because she is hoping for a tip and a repeat customer; I want to serve because I am someone who genuinely loves God and cares for people.  There is not much I can do to change the overall atmosphere, but I can affect the temperature right where I stand.  I can live out a life of authentic love wherever I go.  I can pray that God will use me as a spark that sets the church ablaze for Him, and you can do the same. Together our little lights can illuminate the darkness, but we have to be allowed to shine in our own unique shade of the spectrum.  

Judging For Yourself

Judge not lest ye be judged also. How many times have you heard this or even said it yourself?   It seems that Matthew 7:1 is being taken out of context more and more.  Everyone knows this verse, it seems, and will quote it to make their point whether they believe the Bible or not.  People seem to think it means we aren't supposed to think for ourselves or disagree with anyone else. Of course by saying this a person often implies that it's perfectly acceptable for the them to judge the person they are quoting it to.  How ironic, since it's context is about being hypocritical.   It's about seeing our own faults for what they are before we fault someone else.  It's about making sure that we are dealing with our issues.  We must not ignore our problems while putting our neighbor's under the microscope.  Perhaps it's time our society learns the difference between using good judgement and being judgmental. 

It is possible to use discernment without condemning, and one does not have to condone a persons actions in order to love them as I have often heard folks insinuate.  I will explain a couple of rather ordinary way this applies to me.  I do not mean to offend anyone.  Hopefully these examples are not too controversial.  Discernment leads me to disapprove of smoking cigarettes, and therefore I do not engage in this behavior or encourage it, but I still love people who do it.  If I could help a person quit I would, but I don't have the right to condemn them.  Please understand though, I may have to keep my distance at certain times because of the second hand smoke.  I also do not approve of dirty jokes. It's not that I don't love a person who tells them, but I may not be able to spend a lot of time with that person because my mind is too easily drug into the gutter.  There is a long list of things, some specifically spelled out in the Bible and others that are not mentioned, that this concept can be applied to.  We should learn to discern what is right and wrong and live by our beliefs, but knowing the correct  criteria for establishing this discernment is crucial.

Judgement to condemn or pardon is the right of God alone and given to no man.  Only He is perfect, and only He is able to judge righteously.  He would be completely justified in punishing all of us, but He is gracious and paid for our ransom with the blood of His own Son.  The cost had to be covered.  Jesus paid this price willingly in obedience to His Father and out of compassion for us.  He is love, and therefore He acted lovingly toward us, giving up the opportunity to give us the  penalty we deserve, and giving us gifts we do not deserve instead.  

 Judgement that discerns is a gift from God that should be exercised continually by all of His children. We would all do well to learn discernment.  Understanding that an action is wrong and avoiding the temptation to do it is wise, as is knowing what is right and proceeding to carry that out.  We live in a world that is trying to blur the line between right and wrong.  There is a double standard that says, "everyone should have the right to do as they please, as long as it doesn't affect my special interest."  There are those who would defend a persons choice to have an abortion, but would punish them for leaving their dog in the car while they run into the grocery store.  There are others who would condemn the person who had an abortion and yet would abuse their own child.  To use a more commonplace example, there are those who would criticize someone for smoking cigarettes while over indulging in unhealthy doughnuts themselves.  We are inconsistent.  There is only one way to eliminate this type of contradiction, and that is to acknowledge the line where God drew it.  As humans we are unable to establish a system without contradiction because we all have a conflict within us.  Eventually we will find that we want two different things that cannot exist together.  Our only hope for justice is surrender to God's will.

The following words are part of a song by Casting Crowns, "I'm not pointing my finger, I'm holding out my hand."  The song is called "Love You With The Truth,"  and it's about loving people and inviting them to meet Jesus just as they are.  He accepts us with all our flaws and failures.  Jesus gave His life so that everyone could be delivered from their destructive lifestyle, and all of us are born self-destructing in one way or another.  Those of us who have been freed from our bondage should be eager to share with others how they too can be released from their chains.  Sometimes it seems we are more interested in pointing out the shackles a person wearing than we are in shining a light on the key.  Jesus told the Pharisees, as recorded in Mark 2:17, that it is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick.  He told them He didn't come to call the righteous; He came to call the sinner.  The truth is:  none of us is righteous.   We are all sick or in a state of recovery.  The question is:  Are we willing to admit it and ask the Great Physcian for the cure?