Hiding From Light

This morning (1/18/18) I was struck by the truth of Proverbs 18:1 and how it applies to me and the way I spent a year of my life. The verse states “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” I spent 2016 sinking into sin. Deeper and deeper I went each passing day, and the further down I got the further away I hid myself from anyone who would speak truth to me.

It’s interesting that during this time I continued attending church, but I would only go where people didn’t know me well enough to confront me, yet God used a person that I barely had a casual acquaintance with to introduce me to a pastor who prayed truth over me. I believe that prayer had an impact on the circumstances that led me back to my home church and ultimately to my family.

I was attending a church that was located near my children’s school, and while I knew a lot of names and faces, I didn’t have any relationships there with people who would try to interfere in my life. I do believe that there was at least one friend there who was earnestly praying for me though. I know it was heartbreaking for her to see me divided from my family because of the sinful choices I was making. I also know that my home church was praying for me. A visiting missionary even asked me once, after I was back at home, how I was doing having been made aware of my need for prayer.

During my hide I had completely shut out friends who tried to reason with me, but there was one friend who would ask me to go hiking and keep the conversation on a level I was comfortable enough with to keep going back. There was another who would talk to me and just let me know she loved me and avoid making judgements. These two friends were the first that I turned to when I began the long difficult process of turning my life around. There was yet another friend who invited me to a Christmas Tea for some social interaction without questions about my life and my choices. I went. Hiding is a lonely business.

I guess it was as if in my hiding I had friends who shed different levels of light on my path. They ranged from blatant like a spotlight to various flashlights or candles that glimmered in my darkness. Today I am thankful for all of these friends. They didn’t give up on me regardless of how far I had fallen and how much I pushed them away. They were there for me when I needed them in their unique ways. The hiking friend invited me to move into her guest room during my transition period. I stayed there for many weeks before it was time to move back home.

I am now on a path of recovery. It’s taken me a year to get this far. I have struggled and stumbled and felt like I was getting nowhere. I have seen progress only to meet discouragement and feelings of defeat. I have made it back to my feet, by the power of Christ, and continued on myself journey. It feels like this process is going to go on forever. Occasionally I almost feel normal, but my past is always there lurking in the shadows. Thank goodness I have so much light to shine around me!

I often struggle to believe that God will use me after I sinned in such a big way. People know what I’ve done. Who will listen to me? Yet I hope that someday I am able to use the lessons that I learned the hard way to help steer others down a better road than the one that I was on. I also hope that I am able to help those who have strayed as I did to take the steps to turn their lives around and encourage them to keep going. I am so thankful that God is a loving Father who is always waiting with open arms when we turn to Him.