My life is so full, but I feel so empty. What is this vapor that consumes me? Where does this fog come from that obscures all the blessing I know to be veiled by it? Dare I call it depression? Should I be allowed the luxury of a diagnosis that is treatable? How many people whose support I long for would judge and condemn me for accepting treatment? How many would instead praise God that there is help for me? It's so frustrating to be sick and feel obligated to refuse the medicine that could help. It seems ridiculous that I should be struggling with this since my circumstances seem so easy, but there are also echoes from my childhood to take into consideration.
Eric took me to the doctor on Friday. I have not been well. The physical symptoms aren't alarming. I am tired. My arms and legs feel week. I can't quite describe this. In a way it feels like I have used them much harder than I actually have, but on the other hand they feel almost numb. My heart feels about the same as my arms and legs. The smallest things seem to wear me out emotionally, and I would often rather be asleep than awake because I am weary of the thoughts in my head. It's easy for people to tell me, "just think about the positive and count your blessings," but like I said before it's like I'm in a fog. It's disorienting.
My doctor is a great guy. He spent a lot of time with Eric and I trying to sort through to the cause of these symptoms, taking my faith seriously as we discussed the emotional issues. It is definite that my iron level is very low, and that causes tiredness, sleep disruption, and can otherwise affect the brain's ability to process things. I will be receiving intravenous iron treatments every two weeks, which began Friday, until I have had four of them. None of us, my doctor, Eric or I, are fully convinced that all of my symptoms are being caused by the iron deficiency though. Depression is a factor to be considered. Could I cope with it if I was felling better physically, or is my mood actually causing some of the physical symptoms? We don't know.
I have a couple of options. I can wait to see what happens with the iron alone, or I can also start a low dose anti depressant. If the latter were to help that would be a sign that there is a chemistry problem in my brain, and if it wouldn't help I would stop taking it. We have all three agreed to give the iron a few days to improve my energy level before deciding to take the other medication. I probably won't feel much improvement until the third day. I know I have a history of emotional struggles; what I don't know is how long I have been iron deficient, or how significant of an impact that has on my emotions. I do know this: I do not wish to let my pride stand in the way of wellness, nor do I want my children to be continually subject to the negative influence of a depressed mother.
I am very much feeling inhibited. I haven't been feeling like I can't participate on the Worship Team, or in certain Sunday School discussions. I skipped a teacher training meeting for CEF, and sometimes just won't answer the phone. I shy away from social settings because of my inibility to handle my emotions. I have made blunders recently that I do not wish to repeat. I know that I am irrational when I am overly tired or hungry, and right now I am always tired. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge. I don't like the way I act or the things that I hear myself saying much of the time. I feel lonely because seclusion seems easier and safer than interaction. On top of all of that I feel like I would be judged by friends and family for taking the medication, but I don't think I would want to hide it either. I go to Facebook to see friends in a context where I am not necessarily expected to speak; I am really feeling alone. I know God is here. Jesus said, "My sheep know my voice," but I have such difficulty focusing in on it in the emotional chaos. Perhaps I am too busy stumbling around in my heart even as I lie still in my bed. I want the other voices to cease so I can hear His. I pray for healing. God is great, God is good, and God is worthy of my praise regardless of how I feel. Praise The Lord!
