Making A Mark

The world is mourning over the death of one man today.  Robin Williams was loved by so many people.  People who never met him thought the world of him because he made them laugh and he made them cry.  He made a mark on the world with his humor and wit, as well as compassion and kindness, and in his passing he has brought instant attention to the cause of Mental Heath Awareness.  The question has been asked, why would a man like this take his own life?  As I watch the struggle to understand flood social media, and as I read post after post on the dangers of depression, I can't help but reflect on my own struggles.

As a teen I remember thinking about suicide.  I remember the feeling that I just wasn't important to anyone, how could I forget, I still struggle with the same thoughts today.  I remember scratching at my wrists with an object that barely had an edge.  What was I doing?  Crying out for some attention is probably the best answer, but flirting with the possibility might be a close second.  I was just making a mark, but what if I slipped and cut deep enough?  It wasn't really going to happen, but what if?  All I really succeeded in doing was scaring my closest friends and causing them to worry about me, but truthfully I still think about dying and wonder how much people would care if I were gone.  I'm only being honest here.  Maybe someone can relate to how I feel and know that they are not alone.  Maybe someone out there is searching for the listening ear of someone who understands.  I understand.  
 

About two years ago I was caught in a pretty tough depression.  As I read the posts of the current day about what depression is really like, I definitely understand what they are talking about. I don't really flirt with suicide anymore. I firmly believe that when I leave this earth is not my decision to make. That may be why I only ever flirted with it in the first place, or it may be because I have just never hit the ultimate bottom.  Either way, instead of planning out how to end my life I would sometimes think about how I might die quickly in an accident or sudden collapse without taking anyone with me.  I would be driving down the road alone thinking, "I am going to drive like I always do, but if that tractor trailer hits me it wouldn't be so bad as long as I die instantly." 

The outcry of today is, if you are depressed go get help!  One of the articles I was reading said that for someone who is depressed, asking for help is counter intuitive.  It is true.  When I was struggling I thought about going to see my doctor, but I didn't have it in me to actually do it.   I hope I never have to go through that again, but if I do I hope someone will take the initiative to step in and help.  While I am sad that Robin Williams ended his life and view it as a tragedy, I hope that good will come from it for others as the seriousness of depression is finally being recognized.  I don't think anyone else could have raised awareness to this degree.  As more and more information is shared I hope that more and more people will be helped.  I hope that they will find the thread of strength that they need to admit what they are going through.  I hope that many will take comfort in the fact that they are not the only one struggling with this, and I hope that friends and family will be understanding, compassionate and willing to get involved.  May the loss of one man's life save the lives of many others.  I don't mean to glorify it or treat it like a heroic thing, nor do I intend to blame or accuse him.  I just know that God can use even tragedy to bring about something good.