How A Grudge Holds You

Who among us has never held a grudge against someone.  A person hurts us in some way and we are unwilling to forgive and let it go.  It happens to everyone at some point in their life I am sure.  The problem with holding a grudge though is that you either have to be a hypocrite, or you have to hold yourself to an unattainable standard.  Just as everyone has had wrong done to them, so each of us has also wronged others in our life.  To be unforgiving one must either consider his own actions more excusable that those of his peers, or he must be perfectly able to avoid ever offending another.  If the grudge holder does offend another, which is inevitable, he would then have to also be unforgiving toward himself in order to avoid hypocrisy. To be unforgiving toward your fellow man is to be your own worst enemy.  Trying to measure up to a perfect standard in order to justify harboring anger toward another is a bitter pill to swallow.  

This is a struggle I have been familiar with.  Perhaps I should in some strange way be thankful that my faults and mistakes are so colossal that I have no notion of trying to justify them as "less wrong" than someone else's.  My only hope is in Jesus Christ who bore the penalty for my horrendous error on the cross.  He is the One I have wronged above all, and He is the One who has forgiven me completely.  He is also the only One who has a right to hold a grudge, because He is perfect.  He has no fault of His own to compel Him to forgive others, yet He clears us of all our wrongs when we trust in Him.  If my perfect Savior is willing to freely forgive, how much more should this grievous sinner be willing to forgive other sinners.  

Letting go of a grudge is perhaps the most freeing feeling there is because it allows you to finally face your own guilt and let it go.  Admitting your own shortcomings and allowing others to have theirs gives you space to live outside the prison bars of retained anger.  I hope if this is something that you struggle with that you will take an inward look and choose to free yourself from the cruel and unrelenting master called unforgiveness.  In reality you don't hold a grudge, a grudge holds you. 

True Story

"Is there anything in  your purse you are going to need?"  What an eye opening question.  I would not be needing it or anything in it, nor would I be permitted to have it for the next week.  It has a strap after all.  The next thing to go would be my shoelaces.  I was surrendering my freedom for an undermined period of time to be spent in a confined facility for psychiatric patients.  Was this a nightmare?  It may have seemed like one, but for the time being it was a reality that I was living one day at a time.  Why was I there?  My Psychiatrist recommended it.  I had be thinking of self harm, and my medication needed to be straightened out.  With my previous anti depressant exacerbating my condition, a controlled and monitored environment seemed the best situation for the introduction of the next option.  

The timing was quite inconvenient as I would be missing my kids getting all dressed up for prom.  Chalk it up to one more special day I have missed.  Thankfully I have pictures to look at.  It was Heather's first prom and Austin's last.  In the pictures Heather is beautiful;  Austin and Karissa are the most handsome, charming couple.  During my confinement I also missed two concerts.  Austin even accompanied the choir on piano for one of the songs.  I had no idea that was going to be the case.  He is a self taught pianist, and I was unaware he would have that opportunity. From what I was told the Middle School song that featured the male voices was basically a solo for Darren as well.  Another moment I will never get back.  

Despite what I was missing on the outside, there was a measure of comfort in being hospitalized.  I was not alone.  The people there were all struggling like I was.  Everyone's story was different, but everyone had the common thread of emotional pain.  I managed to stay engaged in activities during much of my stay instead of wallowing in my own problems.  My one roommate had similarities to me that made us able to relate to each other and open up about our pasts in a way that would not have happened with someone who did not share circumstances so much alike.  

While I was there another patient was missing her Senior Prom.  A girl who had experienced that same situation one year previous suggested to staff that we throw her one in our ward.  The staff agreed and we had a little excitement to get us through, focusing on someone else's trouble instead of our own.  Decorations were made and assembled, and the girl's mother even brought her gown.  In the end it did not work out so well.  The decorations went up, but the young girl was shy and anxious.  She barely made it down to the group room to see what had been done because another patient that had just come in was angry with staff and made a major commotion.  She finally came down in here street clothes, and I think that in itself was terribly uncomfortable for her.  The experience did, however,  show us what we could accomplish together.  

The staff for the most part were so busy taking care of formalities that they had little time to support our emotional needs.  Some of the therapy sessions that were scheduled never even happened.  There were a couple of staff people who were more engaged than others and would make use of what little time presented itself.  They weren't just doing a job.  Those few people had a heart for helping the hurting.  I am thankful for their example.  For the most part the most therapeutic aspect of the mental health hospital that I was in happened when the patients talked to and helped each other.  

All in all my stay in psychiatric care was a learning experience.  I learned that I need to stay connected to people, particularly people who share common mental health concerns.  I learned that it is good to find a creative outlet for my emotions.  I had already discovered this point at home when I would play my guitar and sing, but it was reinforced through the art therapy classes there.  I wasn't great at expressing the particular aspects of mental health that the teacher was asking for, but I found that by doing a creative project my focus was improved.  I would then try to find a way to tie my project to the theme for the day.  I was also reminded that exercise and fresh air are therapeutic.  My concern now is finding motivation to get myself up and involved in these activities that help with healing and staying positive.  Staying positive is the key after all.   

Woe and Whoa

Woe is me.  People are angry.  People are indignant.  There are fingers pointing at me.  What shall I do?  Am I guilty?  I should be.  I was wrong.  I made bad choices.  I deserve punishment worse than anything they are even considering.  I'll ask again, am I guilty?  I was, but I have been pardoned.  The judge has set me free and counts me as righteous.  Why would He do that?  Because someone else, His own Son, stepped in and willingly paid the penalty for my transgression.  My record says "Not Guilty."  That's how it is. 

Now that the judge has freed me from my guilt, what am I going to do with the shame.  Shame?  I'm not guilty.  Why should I have shame.  Well, shame works differently than guilt.  It's an odd thing really.  The judge frees a person of their sentence but the world does not.  Shame is not as much about what was done as it is about comparison.  If I am seen as having done something worse than the person sitting next to me, I am shamed.  The person on my right thinks they would NEVER do what I had done.  Or would they?  I once was that person, but now I know that there is nothing too low for me to be involved in, and when I avoid certain crimes, sins, behaviors; it is only by the grace of God preventing it.  I am depraved. 

The person on my left actually thinks that they have done things worse than me, so they are shamed.   It's time they understood that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  But Whoa!  You know what?  It's time the guy on my right figures that out too.  A person who thinks that they are better than others based on their own merit is to be pitied most of all.  If they are never able to admit their faults they will never see the need to go to the judge for a pardon.  They will never see "Not Guilty" stamped on their record. 

So what shall I do with the shame?  I think it's time to get out of line.  Why do people spend their time and energy and peace judging each others sins as somehow better or worse than our own?  One thing that has come out of my darkness is a knowledge that penetrates the heart saying, "You are no better than your neighbor."  It should also tell me "your neighbor is no better than you.  You are equals."  There is no shame among equals. 

Woe is me!  I can't seem to forgive myself.  I can't seem to leave the past behind me and move on without the shame.  But, whoa unto me.  Who am I to shame a person Jesus has pardoned? 

This Grace Is 4 U 2

Really?  Could it be for me?   This girl who spent so much energy warning about sins destruction and preaching about grace, mercy and forgiveness, could she be entitled to the benefits of adoption she preached to her brothers and sisters and the world?  This girl fell so far.  She was living deep in sin.  She was living there knowing that she has a Savior who suffered and died for the very things she was doing, and she indulged.  While she was there she knew she was forgiven.  Somehow she was able to wrap her mind around it while she was there, but now that she is turning around she has an awful hard time with the concept.  She believes that her Savior forgives her.  She does.  She is having a most difficult time forgiving herself for so many facets of what she has been through, but what right has she to withhold something that God gives freely.  She can't believe that people will forgive her either.  She can't see her future.  She was once a writing, singing testimony of God's love.  Now, here in this place where God's love is so evident as the only thing that can save her, she fears she has lost the right to be His spokesperson.  She fears she will only be a mockery and laughing stock.  She is so stuck between who she is and who she wants to be that she can't see a way forward.  She knows though.  Deep down she knows.  This grace is for you too child.  Accept it as you would have others accept it.  God will make a way.  That's what He does.  No matter what you've done, He is who He is and that will never change.  He is still your Father.  He still loves you.  He will make a way forward for you and use you again.  It might even transpire before you realize what has happened.  Don't look to the world to forgive you.  Don't be surprised when others won't forgive.  Live in God's grace and forgiveness and leave the world to Him.  In His time you will see the results that now seem impossible.  Your light might seem dim, but let it shine just the same.  Even a dim light is a help in the darkness.