Where I Stand

Sometimes I just don't know which way to turn, and then I remember that I need to keep looking out ahead.  It feels like being on a tight rope.  Something urges me to the left then I sway to the right trying not to fall.  One one side there's the pitfall of "I must achieve perfection," and on the other side is the abyss of "anything goes."  Let me explain...

There are those who think they have to do everything just right to get to Heaven, but God says, "all have sinned and fall short..." (Romans 3:23)  No one can live perfectly and earn their way to Heaven.  The only way is through the sacrifice of Jesus.  "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life."  (John 3:16)  You can't earn it.  You can't work for it.  It's a gift.  "For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast."  (Ephesians 2:8-9)  None of us can walk around with our snoot up in the air and say we are accepted by God because we are good.  We are not good.  He is good.  That is why He sent his Son to save us from ourselves: so that He could take our sin away and we could be accepted.  I know this, but  don't always act like it.

On the other side of the rope are those who think their sin should be accepted as a part of them.  They should be allowed to think, say or do whatever they want, and no one should be able to tell them it is wrong, not even God, but God says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways... As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." (taken from Isaiah 55:8-9)  He says, "all have sinned" (Romans 3:23) and He means it.  He provides forgiveness of sin, not acceptance of sin.  He gave His own Son to bear our sin so that we could be set free from it, not to allow us to live in it. "God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God."  (2 Corinthians 5:21)   If we are living for Christ, we struggle against sin, we don't let it have it's way in us.  

Do you hang out in one of these camps? Maybe you know the truth but you lean toward one like I do? One is no better than the other, they are both completely wrong.  I'd say my bent is toward trying to do everything just right in order to be accepted.  "The word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."  Do you have the courage to search God's word for the truth?  Are you willing to admit that the Bible has authority over what is right and wrong, and face any changes that you need to make in the way you think and the way you live?  It takes courage!  I know, because I have had to make some significant changes when confronted with God's truth, and He's not finished with me yet.

To a person who is not ready to accept the sacrifice Jesus made for them this is all foolishness, but I hope to those who have trusted Him it is making sense.  If you are leaning to the right, and think you need to be perfect, remember that God's grace covers you and He has set you free from sin. If you are falling to the left fight hard against temptation because though you are free from sin, you are not free to sin.  As I wobble back and forth on this narrow road I remember Hebrews 12:1-2, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us lay aside every weight that slows us down , and the sin  which so easily hinders our progress, and let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish.  He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy He knew would be His afterward.  Now He is seated in the place of highest honor beside God's throne in Heaven." 

I am not claiming to be getting this all right myself.  I know that I teeter and sway.  My eyes stray from the cross, and I think I need to get everything just right on my own.  I am quickly reminded that I can't do that when I struggle with temptation and when I fail, but I am saved by grace.  Praise be to God!!!  

1 Peter 3-7, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish spoil or fade.This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Pea Soup

Fog!  It was all around me, and it seemed to come out of no where.  I had been basking in the sunshine just moments before, and then there were clouds; clouds that were so thick I could not tell where the sun was.  The path that had seemed so clearly laid in front of me in an instant had vanished.  I felt alone.  I felt abandoned.  I felt cold, and the fog lingered on.  

For months I trudged through the clouds of doubt and depression.   Feelings of worthlessness overwhelmed me.  That's what they were though, only feelings.  One of the lessons God taught me during that time is that feelings are often not trustworthy.  Feelings are often false.  God's Word is trustworthy because it is guaranteed to be true.   If our feelings contradict what the Bible says, then they are leading us astray.

It was a time of great caution.  When you can't see where you are going, it is hard to move forward with confidence.  I had to trust God to lead me through the obstacles that seemed  to keep popping up in front of me.  Another lesson He was teaching me is that no one has the power to stop me from doing what He called me to do.  I felt the opposition and I was taking it personally, but I had to realize that though God was allowing the resistance to my progress, He was not the initiator of it.  He was going to bring me through and use me for His purpose.  Isaiah 54:17 says, "No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me."  He was also leading me to rediscover my true identity.  I am his child.  I am not what I do or participate in.  "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  Ephesians 2:10.  I am God's workmanship, good works are something I do, but they don't change who I am in Christ.

The really tough thing for me, and the aspect that caused so much confusion, was that it felt like a few of my brothers and sisters in Christ were against me.  This was probably a deception from the enemy.  Sometimes though, we do start vying for our own agenda and forget that we need to let God decide who does what in his kingdom.  We form teams and committees and make decisions, but if we don't ask Him to guide us, we could be setting up road blocks for others that He wants to use in His service.  That makes it tough for the person who is struggling against the obstruction, but it's doesn't cause any problems for God.   "The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it"  1 Thessalonians 5:24.  To me this is an encouragement that nothing can stop God's plan including my weakness, as well as a warning not to stand in the way of others God is working through.

I really believe that the enemy was trying to prevent what God is doing in my life. Whether he was actually using people to do it, or was just using a misconception to discourage me, I may never know.  I do know, however, that I felt hindered.  I felt like others were pushing their own agenda and blocking me from effectively participating in a ministry I was called to.  I felt betrayed, and I struggled with jealousy and resentment.  That is where I first stumbled into the fog.  I begged and pleaded with the Lord to remove the negative feelings, but He led me out slowly instead, and right back to the path that I had not been able to see for so long.  I don't think He ever let my feet leave the path, He only allowed my vision to be obscured for a while. 

God has cleared away the clouds and I can feel the sunshine once again.  Sure, some days it rains, but the constant fog has lifted.  I am so thankful for the brightness and warmth, but I am learning to be grateful for the struggle I faced in ways that I never thought I could be.  It was a time that I thought I would rather forget, because if I looked back on it it would I would be filled with sadness once again, but the storm looks different after it's passed.  God used a difficult time in my life to teach me; He does that with every trial.  He brought me through the darkness, and he will lead me on.  No fog is too thick for Him to see through.  This is something I must remember the next time a haze dims my view.


A special thanks to Don Colburn for impressing upon me 1 Thessalonians 5:24 several years ago when I was suffering with "I can't do anything right syndrome." 

Also Thanks to the authors of the two books I was reading that taught me not to always believe my feelings.
Your Own Jesus by Mark Hall and Tim Luke 
When The Crosses Are Gone: Restoring Sanity To A World Gone Mad by Dr. Michael Youssef 

The Piano Lesson

I will admit I was nervous about leading music for the Good Friday Worship Service.  I am new to this, and very well aware that it was not a usual service.  The team only had three songs to do, and I was confident that they were appropriate, but they were also less familiar.  In addition to that there was a song I have been interested in doing for Good Friday for several years now, and my son, Austin, had agreed to do it as special music with me.  It was going to be the first time Austin played piano in front of a group of people.  We practiced a lot, and things were going well.  Everyone was committed to coming to practice on Thursday night, and I took my son, Cody, in early to set up the sound equipment. 

The previous night we had had a choir practice for Easter, and it did not occur to me then that it was a problem that the keyboard wasn't working.  I guess I figured it was something Cody would know how to deal with, but when the time came for the team to practice no one could get it to work.  I felt bad for the people who were standing helplessly waiting for practice to begin while a few guys messed around with the piano.  Finally we decided that the keyboard player would have to play guitar for practice.  Cody took the keyboard off the stage, and began trouble shooting.  He eventually discovered the problem but could not quite find the solution, and our local keyboard expert had a dead cell phone.  We could not reach him with a call, a text, or an email.  

Practice would have been better with the keyboard, but it went well enough. I, however, was beside myself because I was afraid Austin would not be able to play the following night.  I worried, and I fretted, and I prayed, but I did not have peace all night.  Friday morning I got up and I knew I could not concentrate on reading my Bible because I was too upset, so I did things backwards and wrote my journal entry first to try to release my frustration.  After I had read I went downstairs to look at my email, and I realized that though I had read the Holy Week emails our pastor had sent out, I had not read the accompanying scripture passages.  I decided to spend some time doing that, and the first one I came to spoke right to the trouble I was having.

Mark 11:22-24 says, "Have faith in God," Jesus answered.  "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain,  'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."  I know that God has power over any obstacle, but sometime I get tricked into thinking that He is putting the roadblocks there.  When I realized that Austin and I had been called to present that song Friday night I knew that the keyboard would work.  From God's perspective it was done. I love the way the verse says, "you have received," not "you will receive."  I still struggled though.  I struggled with the thought that I just wanted to do the song and it wasn't really God's will.  I thought I should be content with not being able to follow through with the plan, but I couldn't seem to find peace in that.  The more I struggled the more I realized that the reason I couldn't be content to cancel the song was because I was suppose to cast the mountain into the sea.  

The physical obstacle was only half of the lesson though.  Mark 11:25 reads, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive your sins."  My first reaction, when the keyboard wouldn't work, was to blame the last person who successfully played it.  I was holding something against someone, and it was making me miserable.  I had to let go of my frustration toward the person I thought was responsible for the problem, and leave it in God's hands.  As I thought about this I specifically remembered an appointment I had completely forgotten to show up for earlier that week. It helped me remember how often I let others down.  Within a short time after letting go of my grudge the phone rang and I was given the information Cody needed to correct the keyboard issue.  I still insisted on getting there a bit early to get it working, though it only took about a minute to fix. God was definitely teaching me a faith lesson through the circumstances.  The keyboard problem may very well have been an enemy attack, but the piano lesson was from the Lord.