True Story

"Is there anything in  your purse you are going to need?"  What an eye opening question.  I would not be needing it or anything in it, nor would I be permitted to have it for the next week.  It has a strap after all.  The next thing to go would be my shoelaces.  I was surrendering my freedom for an undermined period of time to be spent in a confined facility for psychiatric patients.  Was this a nightmare?  It may have seemed like one, but for the time being it was a reality that I was living one day at a time.  Why was I there?  My Psychiatrist recommended it.  I had be thinking of self harm, and my medication needed to be straightened out.  With my previous anti depressant exacerbating my condition, a controlled and monitored environment seemed the best situation for the introduction of the next option.  

The timing was quite inconvenient as I would be missing my kids getting all dressed up for prom.  Chalk it up to one more special day I have missed.  Thankfully I have pictures to look at.  It was Heather's first prom and Austin's last.  In the pictures Heather is beautiful;  Austin and Karissa are the most handsome, charming couple.  During my confinement I also missed two concerts.  Austin even accompanied the choir on piano for one of the songs.  I had no idea that was going to be the case.  He is a self taught pianist, and I was unaware he would have that opportunity. From what I was told the Middle School song that featured the male voices was basically a solo for Darren as well.  Another moment I will never get back.  

Despite what I was missing on the outside, there was a measure of comfort in being hospitalized.  I was not alone.  The people there were all struggling like I was.  Everyone's story was different, but everyone had the common thread of emotional pain.  I managed to stay engaged in activities during much of my stay instead of wallowing in my own problems.  My one roommate had similarities to me that made us able to relate to each other and open up about our pasts in a way that would not have happened with someone who did not share circumstances so much alike.  

While I was there another patient was missing her Senior Prom.  A girl who had experienced that same situation one year previous suggested to staff that we throw her one in our ward.  The staff agreed and we had a little excitement to get us through, focusing on someone else's trouble instead of our own.  Decorations were made and assembled, and the girl's mother even brought her gown.  In the end it did not work out so well.  The decorations went up, but the young girl was shy and anxious.  She barely made it down to the group room to see what had been done because another patient that had just come in was angry with staff and made a major commotion.  She finally came down in here street clothes, and I think that in itself was terribly uncomfortable for her.  The experience did, however,  show us what we could accomplish together.  

The staff for the most part were so busy taking care of formalities that they had little time to support our emotional needs.  Some of the therapy sessions that were scheduled never even happened.  There were a couple of staff people who were more engaged than others and would make use of what little time presented itself.  They weren't just doing a job.  Those few people had a heart for helping the hurting.  I am thankful for their example.  For the most part the most therapeutic aspect of the mental health hospital that I was in happened when the patients talked to and helped each other.  

All in all my stay in psychiatric care was a learning experience.  I learned that I need to stay connected to people, particularly people who share common mental health concerns.  I learned that it is good to find a creative outlet for my emotions.  I had already discovered this point at home when I would play my guitar and sing, but it was reinforced through the art therapy classes there.  I wasn't great at expressing the particular aspects of mental health that the teacher was asking for, but I found that by doing a creative project my focus was improved.  I would then try to find a way to tie my project to the theme for the day.  I was also reminded that exercise and fresh air are therapeutic.  My concern now is finding motivation to get myself up and involved in these activities that help with healing and staying positive.  Staying positive is the key after all.   

Making A Mark

The world is mourning over the death of one man today.  Robin Williams was loved by so many people.  People who never met him thought the world of him because he made them laugh and he made them cry.  He made a mark on the world with his humor and wit, as well as compassion and kindness, and in his passing he has brought instant attention to the cause of Mental Heath Awareness.  The question has been asked, why would a man like this take his own life?  As I watch the struggle to understand flood social media, and as I read post after post on the dangers of depression, I can't help but reflect on my own struggles.

As a teen I remember thinking about suicide.  I remember the feeling that I just wasn't important to anyone, how could I forget, I still struggle with the same thoughts today.  I remember scratching at my wrists with an object that barely had an edge.  What was I doing?  Crying out for some attention is probably the best answer, but flirting with the possibility might be a close second.  I was just making a mark, but what if I slipped and cut deep enough?  It wasn't really going to happen, but what if?  All I really succeeded in doing was scaring my closest friends and causing them to worry about me, but truthfully I still think about dying and wonder how much people would care if I were gone.  I'm only being honest here.  Maybe someone can relate to how I feel and know that they are not alone.  Maybe someone out there is searching for the listening ear of someone who understands.  I understand.  
 

About two years ago I was caught in a pretty tough depression.  As I read the posts of the current day about what depression is really like, I definitely understand what they are talking about. I don't really flirt with suicide anymore. I firmly believe that when I leave this earth is not my decision to make. That may be why I only ever flirted with it in the first place, or it may be because I have just never hit the ultimate bottom.  Either way, instead of planning out how to end my life I would sometimes think about how I might die quickly in an accident or sudden collapse without taking anyone with me.  I would be driving down the road alone thinking, "I am going to drive like I always do, but if that tractor trailer hits me it wouldn't be so bad as long as I die instantly." 

The outcry of today is, if you are depressed go get help!  One of the articles I was reading said that for someone who is depressed, asking for help is counter intuitive.  It is true.  When I was struggling I thought about going to see my doctor, but I didn't have it in me to actually do it.   I hope I never have to go through that again, but if I do I hope someone will take the initiative to step in and help.  While I am sad that Robin Williams ended his life and view it as a tragedy, I hope that good will come from it for others as the seriousness of depression is finally being recognized.  I don't think anyone else could have raised awareness to this degree.  As more and more information is shared I hope that more and more people will be helped.  I hope that they will find the thread of strength that they need to admit what they are going through.  I hope that many will take comfort in the fact that they are not the only one struggling with this, and I hope that friends and family will be understanding, compassionate and willing to get involved.  May the loss of one man's life save the lives of many others.  I don't mean to glorify it or treat it like a heroic thing, nor do I intend to blame or accuse him.  I just know that God can use even tragedy to bring about something good.

Pea Soup

Fog!  It was all around me, and it seemed to come out of no where.  I had been basking in the sunshine just moments before, and then there were clouds; clouds that were so thick I could not tell where the sun was.  The path that had seemed so clearly laid in front of me in an instant had vanished.  I felt alone.  I felt abandoned.  I felt cold, and the fog lingered on.  

For months I trudged through the clouds of doubt and depression.   Feelings of worthlessness overwhelmed me.  That's what they were though, only feelings.  One of the lessons God taught me during that time is that feelings are often not trustworthy.  Feelings are often false.  God's Word is trustworthy because it is guaranteed to be true.   If our feelings contradict what the Bible says, then they are leading us astray.

It was a time of great caution.  When you can't see where you are going, it is hard to move forward with confidence.  I had to trust God to lead me through the obstacles that seemed  to keep popping up in front of me.  Another lesson He was teaching me is that no one has the power to stop me from doing what He called me to do.  I felt the opposition and I was taking it personally, but I had to realize that though God was allowing the resistance to my progress, He was not the initiator of it.  He was going to bring me through and use me for His purpose.  Isaiah 54:17 says, "No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me."  He was also leading me to rediscover my true identity.  I am his child.  I am not what I do or participate in.  "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  Ephesians 2:10.  I am God's workmanship, good works are something I do, but they don't change who I am in Christ.

The really tough thing for me, and the aspect that caused so much confusion, was that it felt like a few of my brothers and sisters in Christ were against me.  This was probably a deception from the enemy.  Sometimes though, we do start vying for our own agenda and forget that we need to let God decide who does what in his kingdom.  We form teams and committees and make decisions, but if we don't ask Him to guide us, we could be setting up road blocks for others that He wants to use in His service.  That makes it tough for the person who is struggling against the obstruction, but it's doesn't cause any problems for God.   "The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it"  1 Thessalonians 5:24.  To me this is an encouragement that nothing can stop God's plan including my weakness, as well as a warning not to stand in the way of others God is working through.

I really believe that the enemy was trying to prevent what God is doing in my life. Whether he was actually using people to do it, or was just using a misconception to discourage me, I may never know.  I do know, however, that I felt hindered.  I felt like others were pushing their own agenda and blocking me from effectively participating in a ministry I was called to.  I felt betrayed, and I struggled with jealousy and resentment.  That is where I first stumbled into the fog.  I begged and pleaded with the Lord to remove the negative feelings, but He led me out slowly instead, and right back to the path that I had not been able to see for so long.  I don't think He ever let my feet leave the path, He only allowed my vision to be obscured for a while. 

God has cleared away the clouds and I can feel the sunshine once again.  Sure, some days it rains, but the constant fog has lifted.  I am so thankful for the brightness and warmth, but I am learning to be grateful for the struggle I faced in ways that I never thought I could be.  It was a time that I thought I would rather forget, because if I looked back on it it would I would be filled with sadness once again, but the storm looks different after it's passed.  God used a difficult time in my life to teach me; He does that with every trial.  He brought me through the darkness, and he will lead me on.  No fog is too thick for Him to see through.  This is something I must remember the next time a haze dims my view.


A special thanks to Don Colburn for impressing upon me 1 Thessalonians 5:24 several years ago when I was suffering with "I can't do anything right syndrome." 

Also Thanks to the authors of the two books I was reading that taught me not to always believe my feelings.
Your Own Jesus by Mark Hall and Tim Luke 
When The Crosses Are Gone: Restoring Sanity To A World Gone Mad by Dr. Michael Youssef