Hiding From Light

This morning (1/18/18) I was struck by the truth of Proverbs 18:1 and how it applies to me and the way I spent a year of my life. The verse states “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” I spent 2016 sinking into sin. Deeper and deeper I went each passing day, and the further down I got the further away I hid myself from anyone who would speak truth to me.

It’s interesting that during this time I continued attending church, but I would only go where people didn’t know me well enough to confront me, yet God used a person that I barely had a casual acquaintance with to introduce me to a pastor who prayed truth over me. I believe that prayer had an impact on the circumstances that led me back to my home church and ultimately to my family.

I was attending a church that was located near my children’s school, and while I knew a lot of names and faces, I didn’t have any relationships there with people who would try to interfere in my life. I do believe that there was at least one friend there who was earnestly praying for me though. I know it was heartbreaking for her to see me divided from my family because of the sinful choices I was making. I also know that my home church was praying for me. A visiting missionary even asked me once, after I was back at home, how I was doing having been made aware of my need for prayer.

During my hide I had completely shut out friends who tried to reason with me, but there was one friend who would ask me to go hiking and keep the conversation on a level I was comfortable enough with to keep going back. There was another who would talk to me and just let me know she loved me and avoid making judgements. These two friends were the first that I turned to when I began the long difficult process of turning my life around. There was yet another friend who invited me to a Christmas Tea for some social interaction without questions about my life and my choices. I went. Hiding is a lonely business.

I guess it was as if in my hiding I had friends who shed different levels of light on my path. They ranged from blatant like a spotlight to various flashlights or candles that glimmered in my darkness. Today I am thankful for all of these friends. They didn’t give up on me regardless of how far I had fallen and how much I pushed them away. They were there for me when I needed them in their unique ways. The hiking friend invited me to move into her guest room during my transition period. I stayed there for many weeks before it was time to move back home.

I am now on a path of recovery. It’s taken me a year to get this far. I have struggled and stumbled and felt like I was getting nowhere. I have seen progress only to meet discouragement and feelings of defeat. I have made it back to my feet, by the power of Christ, and continued on myself journey. It feels like this process is going to go on forever. Occasionally I almost feel normal, but my past is always there lurking in the shadows. Thank goodness I have so much light to shine around me!

I often struggle to believe that God will use me after I sinned in such a big way. People know what I’ve done. Who will listen to me? Yet I hope that someday I am able to use the lessons that I learned the hard way to help steer others down a better road than the one that I was on. I also hope that I am able to help those who have strayed as I did to take the steps to turn their lives around and encourage them to keep going. I am so thankful that God is a loving Father who is always waiting with open arms when we turn to Him.

Pea Soup

Fog!  It was all around me, and it seemed to come out of no where.  I had been basking in the sunshine just moments before, and then there were clouds; clouds that were so thick I could not tell where the sun was.  The path that had seemed so clearly laid in front of me in an instant had vanished.  I felt alone.  I felt abandoned.  I felt cold, and the fog lingered on.  

For months I trudged through the clouds of doubt and depression.   Feelings of worthlessness overwhelmed me.  That's what they were though, only feelings.  One of the lessons God taught me during that time is that feelings are often not trustworthy.  Feelings are often false.  God's Word is trustworthy because it is guaranteed to be true.   If our feelings contradict what the Bible says, then they are leading us astray.

It was a time of great caution.  When you can't see where you are going, it is hard to move forward with confidence.  I had to trust God to lead me through the obstacles that seemed  to keep popping up in front of me.  Another lesson He was teaching me is that no one has the power to stop me from doing what He called me to do.  I felt the opposition and I was taking it personally, but I had to realize that though God was allowing the resistance to my progress, He was not the initiator of it.  He was going to bring me through and use me for His purpose.  Isaiah 54:17 says, "No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me."  He was also leading me to rediscover my true identity.  I am his child.  I am not what I do or participate in.  "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  Ephesians 2:10.  I am God's workmanship, good works are something I do, but they don't change who I am in Christ.

The really tough thing for me, and the aspect that caused so much confusion, was that it felt like a few of my brothers and sisters in Christ were against me.  This was probably a deception from the enemy.  Sometimes though, we do start vying for our own agenda and forget that we need to let God decide who does what in his kingdom.  We form teams and committees and make decisions, but if we don't ask Him to guide us, we could be setting up road blocks for others that He wants to use in His service.  That makes it tough for the person who is struggling against the obstruction, but it's doesn't cause any problems for God.   "The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it"  1 Thessalonians 5:24.  To me this is an encouragement that nothing can stop God's plan including my weakness, as well as a warning not to stand in the way of others God is working through.

I really believe that the enemy was trying to prevent what God is doing in my life. Whether he was actually using people to do it, or was just using a misconception to discourage me, I may never know.  I do know, however, that I felt hindered.  I felt like others were pushing their own agenda and blocking me from effectively participating in a ministry I was called to.  I felt betrayed, and I struggled with jealousy and resentment.  That is where I first stumbled into the fog.  I begged and pleaded with the Lord to remove the negative feelings, but He led me out slowly instead, and right back to the path that I had not been able to see for so long.  I don't think He ever let my feet leave the path, He only allowed my vision to be obscured for a while. 

God has cleared away the clouds and I can feel the sunshine once again.  Sure, some days it rains, but the constant fog has lifted.  I am so thankful for the brightness and warmth, but I am learning to be grateful for the struggle I faced in ways that I never thought I could be.  It was a time that I thought I would rather forget, because if I looked back on it it would I would be filled with sadness once again, but the storm looks different after it's passed.  God used a difficult time in my life to teach me; He does that with every trial.  He brought me through the darkness, and he will lead me on.  No fog is too thick for Him to see through.  This is something I must remember the next time a haze dims my view.


A special thanks to Don Colburn for impressing upon me 1 Thessalonians 5:24 several years ago when I was suffering with "I can't do anything right syndrome." 

Also Thanks to the authors of the two books I was reading that taught me not to always believe my feelings.
Your Own Jesus by Mark Hall and Tim Luke 
When The Crosses Are Gone: Restoring Sanity To A World Gone Mad by Dr. Michael Youssef