Hiding From Light

This morning (1/18/18) I was struck by the truth of Proverbs 18:1 and how it applies to me and the way I spent a year of my life. The verse states “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” I spent 2016 sinking into sin. Deeper and deeper I went each passing day, and the further down I got the further away I hid myself from anyone who would speak truth to me.

It’s interesting that during this time I continued attending church, but I would only go where people didn’t know me well enough to confront me, yet God used a person that I barely had a casual acquaintance with to introduce me to a pastor who prayed truth over me. I believe that prayer had an impact on the circumstances that led me back to my home church and ultimately to my family.

I was attending a church that was located near my children’s school, and while I knew a lot of names and faces, I didn’t have any relationships there with people who would try to interfere in my life. I do believe that there was at least one friend there who was earnestly praying for me though. I know it was heartbreaking for her to see me divided from my family because of the sinful choices I was making. I also know that my home church was praying for me. A visiting missionary even asked me once, after I was back at home, how I was doing having been made aware of my need for prayer.

During my hide I had completely shut out friends who tried to reason with me, but there was one friend who would ask me to go hiking and keep the conversation on a level I was comfortable enough with to keep going back. There was another who would talk to me and just let me know she loved me and avoid making judgements. These two friends were the first that I turned to when I began the long difficult process of turning my life around. There was yet another friend who invited me to a Christmas Tea for some social interaction without questions about my life and my choices. I went. Hiding is a lonely business.

I guess it was as if in my hiding I had friends who shed different levels of light on my path. They ranged from blatant like a spotlight to various flashlights or candles that glimmered in my darkness. Today I am thankful for all of these friends. They didn’t give up on me regardless of how far I had fallen and how much I pushed them away. They were there for me when I needed them in their unique ways. The hiking friend invited me to move into her guest room during my transition period. I stayed there for many weeks before it was time to move back home.

I am now on a path of recovery. It’s taken me a year to get this far. I have struggled and stumbled and felt like I was getting nowhere. I have seen progress only to meet discouragement and feelings of defeat. I have made it back to my feet, by the power of Christ, and continued on myself journey. It feels like this process is going to go on forever. Occasionally I almost feel normal, but my past is always there lurking in the shadows. Thank goodness I have so much light to shine around me!

I often struggle to believe that God will use me after I sinned in such a big way. People know what I’ve done. Who will listen to me? Yet I hope that someday I am able to use the lessons that I learned the hard way to help steer others down a better road than the one that I was on. I also hope that I am able to help those who have strayed as I did to take the steps to turn their lives around and encourage them to keep going. I am so thankful that God is a loving Father who is always waiting with open arms when we turn to Him.

How A Grudge Holds You

Who among us has never held a grudge against someone.  A person hurts us in some way and we are unwilling to forgive and let it go.  It happens to everyone at some point in their life I am sure.  The problem with holding a grudge though is that you either have to be a hypocrite, or you have to hold yourself to an unattainable standard.  Just as everyone has had wrong done to them, so each of us has also wronged others in our life.  To be unforgiving one must either consider his own actions more excusable that those of his peers, or he must be perfectly able to avoid ever offending another.  If the grudge holder does offend another, which is inevitable, he would then have to also be unforgiving toward himself in order to avoid hypocrisy. To be unforgiving toward your fellow man is to be your own worst enemy.  Trying to measure up to a perfect standard in order to justify harboring anger toward another is a bitter pill to swallow.  

This is a struggle I have been familiar with.  Perhaps I should in some strange way be thankful that my faults and mistakes are so colossal that I have no notion of trying to justify them as "less wrong" than someone else's.  My only hope is in Jesus Christ who bore the penalty for my horrendous error on the cross.  He is the One I have wronged above all, and He is the One who has forgiven me completely.  He is also the only One who has a right to hold a grudge, because He is perfect.  He has no fault of His own to compel Him to forgive others, yet He clears us of all our wrongs when we trust in Him.  If my perfect Savior is willing to freely forgive, how much more should this grievous sinner be willing to forgive other sinners.  

Letting go of a grudge is perhaps the most freeing feeling there is because it allows you to finally face your own guilt and let it go.  Admitting your own shortcomings and allowing others to have theirs gives you space to live outside the prison bars of retained anger.  I hope if this is something that you struggle with that you will take an inward look and choose to free yourself from the cruel and unrelenting master called unforgiveness.  In reality you don't hold a grudge, a grudge holds you. 

True Story

"Is there anything in  your purse you are going to need?"  What an eye opening question.  I would not be needing it or anything in it, nor would I be permitted to have it for the next week.  It has a strap after all.  The next thing to go would be my shoelaces.  I was surrendering my freedom for an undermined period of time to be spent in a confined facility for psychiatric patients.  Was this a nightmare?  It may have seemed like one, but for the time being it was a reality that I was living one day at a time.  Why was I there?  My Psychiatrist recommended it.  I had be thinking of self harm, and my medication needed to be straightened out.  With my previous anti depressant exacerbating my condition, a controlled and monitored environment seemed the best situation for the introduction of the next option.  

The timing was quite inconvenient as I would be missing my kids getting all dressed up for prom.  Chalk it up to one more special day I have missed.  Thankfully I have pictures to look at.  It was Heather's first prom and Austin's last.  In the pictures Heather is beautiful;  Austin and Karissa are the most handsome, charming couple.  During my confinement I also missed two concerts.  Austin even accompanied the choir on piano for one of the songs.  I had no idea that was going to be the case.  He is a self taught pianist, and I was unaware he would have that opportunity. From what I was told the Middle School song that featured the male voices was basically a solo for Darren as well.  Another moment I will never get back.  

Despite what I was missing on the outside, there was a measure of comfort in being hospitalized.  I was not alone.  The people there were all struggling like I was.  Everyone's story was different, but everyone had the common thread of emotional pain.  I managed to stay engaged in activities during much of my stay instead of wallowing in my own problems.  My one roommate had similarities to me that made us able to relate to each other and open up about our pasts in a way that would not have happened with someone who did not share circumstances so much alike.  

While I was there another patient was missing her Senior Prom.  A girl who had experienced that same situation one year previous suggested to staff that we throw her one in our ward.  The staff agreed and we had a little excitement to get us through, focusing on someone else's trouble instead of our own.  Decorations were made and assembled, and the girl's mother even brought her gown.  In the end it did not work out so well.  The decorations went up, but the young girl was shy and anxious.  She barely made it down to the group room to see what had been done because another patient that had just come in was angry with staff and made a major commotion.  She finally came down in here street clothes, and I think that in itself was terribly uncomfortable for her.  The experience did, however,  show us what we could accomplish together.  

The staff for the most part were so busy taking care of formalities that they had little time to support our emotional needs.  Some of the therapy sessions that were scheduled never even happened.  There were a couple of staff people who were more engaged than others and would make use of what little time presented itself.  They weren't just doing a job.  Those few people had a heart for helping the hurting.  I am thankful for their example.  For the most part the most therapeutic aspect of the mental health hospital that I was in happened when the patients talked to and helped each other.  

All in all my stay in psychiatric care was a learning experience.  I learned that I need to stay connected to people, particularly people who share common mental health concerns.  I learned that it is good to find a creative outlet for my emotions.  I had already discovered this point at home when I would play my guitar and sing, but it was reinforced through the art therapy classes there.  I wasn't great at expressing the particular aspects of mental health that the teacher was asking for, but I found that by doing a creative project my focus was improved.  I would then try to find a way to tie my project to the theme for the day.  I was also reminded that exercise and fresh air are therapeutic.  My concern now is finding motivation to get myself up and involved in these activities that help with healing and staying positive.  Staying positive is the key after all.   

Woe and Whoa

Woe is me.  People are angry.  People are indignant.  There are fingers pointing at me.  What shall I do?  Am I guilty?  I should be.  I was wrong.  I made bad choices.  I deserve punishment worse than anything they are even considering.  I'll ask again, am I guilty?  I was, but I have been pardoned.  The judge has set me free and counts me as righteous.  Why would He do that?  Because someone else, His own Son, stepped in and willingly paid the penalty for my transgression.  My record says "Not Guilty."  That's how it is. 

Now that the judge has freed me from my guilt, what am I going to do with the shame.  Shame?  I'm not guilty.  Why should I have shame.  Well, shame works differently than guilt.  It's an odd thing really.  The judge frees a person of their sentence but the world does not.  Shame is not as much about what was done as it is about comparison.  If I am seen as having done something worse than the person sitting next to me, I am shamed.  The person on my right thinks they would NEVER do what I had done.  Or would they?  I once was that person, but now I know that there is nothing too low for me to be involved in, and when I avoid certain crimes, sins, behaviors; it is only by the grace of God preventing it.  I am depraved. 

The person on my left actually thinks that they have done things worse than me, so they are shamed.   It's time they understood that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  But Whoa!  You know what?  It's time the guy on my right figures that out too.  A person who thinks that they are better than others based on their own merit is to be pitied most of all.  If they are never able to admit their faults they will never see the need to go to the judge for a pardon.  They will never see "Not Guilty" stamped on their record. 

So what shall I do with the shame?  I think it's time to get out of line.  Why do people spend their time and energy and peace judging each others sins as somehow better or worse than our own?  One thing that has come out of my darkness is a knowledge that penetrates the heart saying, "You are no better than your neighbor."  It should also tell me "your neighbor is no better than you.  You are equals."  There is no shame among equals. 

Woe is me!  I can't seem to forgive myself.  I can't seem to leave the past behind me and move on without the shame.  But, whoa unto me.  Who am I to shame a person Jesus has pardoned? 

This Grace Is 4 U 2

Really?  Could it be for me?   This girl who spent so much energy warning about sins destruction and preaching about grace, mercy and forgiveness, could she be entitled to the benefits of adoption she preached to her brothers and sisters and the world?  This girl fell so far.  She was living deep in sin.  She was living there knowing that she has a Savior who suffered and died for the very things she was doing, and she indulged.  While she was there she knew she was forgiven.  Somehow she was able to wrap her mind around it while she was there, but now that she is turning around she has an awful hard time with the concept.  She believes that her Savior forgives her.  She does.  She is having a most difficult time forgiving herself for so many facets of what she has been through, but what right has she to withhold something that God gives freely.  She can't believe that people will forgive her either.  She can't see her future.  She was once a writing, singing testimony of God's love.  Now, here in this place where God's love is so evident as the only thing that can save her, she fears she has lost the right to be His spokesperson.  She fears she will only be a mockery and laughing stock.  She is so stuck between who she is and who she wants to be that she can't see a way forward.  She knows though.  Deep down she knows.  This grace is for you too child.  Accept it as you would have others accept it.  God will make a way.  That's what He does.  No matter what you've done, He is who He is and that will never change.  He is still your Father.  He still loves you.  He will make a way forward for you and use you again.  It might even transpire before you realize what has happened.  Don't look to the world to forgive you.  Don't be surprised when others won't forgive.  Live in God's grace and forgiveness and leave the world to Him.  In His time you will see the results that now seem impossible.  Your light might seem dim, but let it shine just the same.  Even a dim light is a help in the darkness. 

Ho Hum

Have you ever felt like everyone else gets the best of your family: your spouse, your kids, your parents, and you just get whatever is left over?  Do you ever feel like there just isn't much left over?  I have to think that everyone must feel that way sometimes.  We pour ourselves into our work, our ministry, our hobbies, and by the time we get around to being with our families we are exhausted.  We just want to rest, watch TV, veg out with a video game, or whatever low energy  solitary activity we enjoy.  Have you ever come home and tried to have a conversation with someone who is only half listening?  Have you ever been that person who keeps on reading while you attempt to make sense of what someone is telling you.  I am here to tell you that I am guilty of this, and so is everyone around me.  

What has happened to us?  Have we become so overwhelmed and overstimulated by society that we shut out the people who truly care about us.  Are we showing love when we half ignore the people in our homes.  One person is ready to have a conversation, the other can't look away from the computer.  The first person gives up and goes to find something quiet to do by their self, meanwhile the previously occupied person seeks them out to try to talk about what has been on their mind.  No one is listening to anyone else, at least they aren't REALLY listening.  We are letting our relationships slip away one TV show, one computer game, one nap at a time.  

I recently read an account of a man whose elderly mother moved into an apartment adjoining his house so that he and his family could help her with the things she needed assistance with.  He began to notice that she was usually watching TV when he came to say hello, but that as soon as he walked in she would turn the television off.  He began to think about this and realized that it was something she had always done.  She was showing her love for him by turning off the distractions and focusing fully on him during the time that he was there.  

I believe part of our problem is that we take each other for granted.  We live in the same house, we share the same food, we sit in the same living room, and we think that there will always be time later. The clock, however, keeps ticking away and we just continue on in our patterns of self absorbed distractions.  How many of us are lonely?  How many of us are becoming resentful?  How many of us are waiting for the people around them to engage?  I want to suggest that the only way to break the cycle is to commit to changing our own habits.  We cannot expect others to do for us what we are not willing to do for them.  I can put down my game of Scrabble and look my husband in the eye when he speaks to me, my automated opponent won't even notice.  I can push myself away from the desk and face my children when they ask me a question.  I can ask someone to go for a walk with me instead of laying down and taking a nap.  Maybe when they see how good it feels to have someone give them the time of day, they will want to do the same for others. 

If you've been feeling like you are being ignored, don't let discouragement and frustration get the best of you.  Be proactive.  Set an example worth following.  Make the changes that only you can make, and be amazed with what other changes follow.  Let's put our families back together, and let's start by being there for each other not only as a physical presence in the room, but with our minds and spirits and all that we are.  No more ho hum family bonds. It's time to make this real!

What I Lack

In this age of hot topics and heated debates it is easy to get drawn into an argument.  The vast majority seems to feel the need to pick a team and fight for their agenda.  I'm on a team, but it's not one of the more popular ones.  I'm on the Jesus team.  While others are looking for a fight and loudly proclaiming their position, I have to have faith that my position is clear without offensive words.  It's not that I don't have convictions on these matters, rather it's that Christ in me is teaching this vessel of His what is important.

Is purity important?  Yes, it is, so I should live as purely as I possibly can.  Is honesty important? Yes, so I should be honest at all times.  Is kindness important?  Why yes, yes it is!  That means that when I am called to speak I must speak the truth with kindness, though it may oppose popular opinion.  Is love important?  Indeed, Jesus said love is most important.  The apostle Paul wrote a beautiful chapter about it in Corinthians, trust me and click the link; it's worth the read.

So my desire is to exhibit love, what I lack is the willingness to unnecessarily alienate those who disagree with the truths I hold dear.  Does that mean I will not share my heart on these subjects?  No, it just means that I will do my utmost to do it at the right time and in the right context. It means that I want others to know that I will speak the truth from my heart, but that I will do so with respect and concern, not out of a need to be right or win an argument.  That means I have to have a relationship of trust with those I speak with.

Many of the issues we tear each other up over, on both sides, are fads or traditions that the crowds follow with the same uninformed eagerness that they follow fashion trends. Often rather than a true conviction of the heart and mind, we make our decisions based on emotion and desire.  We fail to step back and try to gain some perspective.  Why am I so dedicated to this principle?  Have I given the opposite point of view adequate consideration?  What is at the core of my belief system, and do my walk and my talk align with my values?  If I really examine my arguments, can I find a double standard in them?

I am willing to have discussions on the hot topics, but I would like to have them in the context of mutual respect.  If it has to be an argument with nasty, angry words and name calling, then it's not worth having because no one is really listening to anyone else. Let's take the time to listen to each other.  Let's make the effort to relate rather than react.  Let's remember to treat others the way we want them to treat us, not necessarily the way they are treating us.  Let's demonstrate 1 Corinthians 13 love:  real love.        

"...I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day."  2 Timothy 1:12