Silly Goat!

Yesterday morning I had a little mishap and one of our goats, Buttermilk, ended up getting out of the pen.  She has kids who are four weeks old, and they were inside the pen.  She wanted to get in to them, but she wouldn't use the gate and refused to let me help her.  Every time I got near her she would dodge me and try to find her own way in.  She walked along the fence as if expecting to find an opening that had not been there before.  Her kids are so cute and fun to watch, so I gave her some space and grabbed the camera for a video of their new jumping game.  In the video you can see Buttermilk outside the pen walking along the fence.  Silly goat!  After a while I went looking for Darren, because I thought she might respond better to him.  I am more associated with discipline.  "You have to get on the milk stand Buttermilk."  "Buttermilk, hold still."  "No, Buttermilk, you can't have Edelweiss' food."  Darren wasn't here though, he had gone out with his Dad, so Heather brought up some food at my request, and as soon as Buttermilk saw the food enter the gate she followed.  

This reminds me that Jesus is the gate, and He is the only way to Heaven.  Many of us are like Buttermilk.  We want to go to Heaven, but we spend our lives looking for our own way in.  There is no other way.  When someone tries to help us, we make a dash the other direction.  We nibble the grass on the outside, but hunger for what is inside.  Often it is when someone reaches a point of desperation that they finally realize their need and enter the gate that has been there all along.  They finally realize the provision that has been made and stop looking at the provider as a cold enforcer of rules.  Inside the pen there is shelter and protection.  Inside the pen there are loved ones waiting. Inside the pen there is sustenance.  Inside the pen there is joy, but the gate is the only way.

Come to the gate, it will be opened for you.  Come to Jesus, He laid down His life for you!

John 10:9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture.

A Void Where Inhibited

Important note:  I wrote this post in September and left it unpublished until now.  After writing it I decided, with Eric's help,  to receive all the treatment offered.  I am doing much better!  I'm sharing this in case it helps someone who can relate.

 My life is so full, but I feel so empty.  What is this vapor that consumes me? Where does this fog come from that obscures all the blessing I know to be veiled by it?  Dare I call it depression?  Should I be allowed the luxury of a diagnosis that is treatable?   How many people whose support I long for would judge and condemn me for accepting treatment?  How many would instead praise God that there is help for me?  It's so frustrating to be sick and feel obligated to refuse the medicine that could help.  It seems ridiculous that I should be struggling with this since my circumstances seem so easy, but there are also echoes from my childhood to take into consideration.

Eric took me to the doctor on Friday.  I have not been well.  The physical symptoms aren't alarming.  I am tired.  My arms and legs feel week.  I can't quite describe this.  In a way it feels like I have used them much harder than I actually have, but on the other hand they feel almost numb. My heart feels about the same as my arms and legs.  The smallest things seem to wear me out emotionally, and I would  often rather be asleep than awake because I am weary of the thoughts in my head.  It's easy for people to tell me, "just think about the positive and count your blessings," but like I said before it's like I'm in a fog.  It's disorienting.  

My doctor is a great guy.  He spent a lot of time with Eric and I trying to sort through to the cause of these symptoms, taking my faith seriously as we discussed the emotional issues.  It is definite that my iron level is very low, and that causes tiredness, sleep disruption, and can otherwise affect the brain's ability to process things.  I will be receiving intravenous iron treatments every two weeks, which began Friday, until I have had four of them.  None of us, my doctor, Eric or I, are fully convinced that all of my symptoms are being caused by the iron deficiency though.  Depression is a factor to be considered.  Could I cope with it if I was felling better physically, or is my mood actually causing some of the physical symptoms?  We don't know.  

I have a couple of options.  I can wait to see what happens with the iron alone, or I can also start a low dose anti depressant. If the latter were to help that would be a sign that there is a chemistry problem in my brain, and if it wouldn't help I would stop taking it.  We have all three agreed to give the iron a few days to improve my energy level before deciding to take the other medication.  I probably won't feel much improvement until the third day.  I know I have a history of emotional struggles; what I don't know is how long I have been iron deficient, or how significant of an impact that has on my emotions.  I do know this:  I do not wish to let my pride stand in the way of wellness, nor do I want my children to be continually subject to the negative influence of a depressed mother.  

I am very much feeling inhibited.  I haven't been feeling like I can't participate on the Worship Team, or in certain Sunday School discussions.  I skipped a teacher training meeting for CEF, and sometimes just won't answer the phone.  I shy away from social settings because of my inibility to handle my emotions.  I have made blunders recently that I do not wish to repeat.  I know that I am irrational when I am overly tired or hungry, and right now I am always tired.  It doesn't take much to push me over the edge.  I don't like the way I act or the things that I hear myself saying much of the time.  I feel lonely because seclusion seems easier and safer than interaction.  On top of all of that I feel like I would be judged by friends and family for taking the medication, but I don't think I would want to hide it either.  I go to Facebook to see friends in a context where I am not necessarily expected to speak; I am really feeling alone. I know God is here.  Jesus said, "My sheep know my voice," but I have such difficulty focusing in on it in the emotional chaos.  Perhaps I am too busy stumbling around in my heart even as I lie still in my bed. I want the other voices to cease so I can hear His.  I pray for healing.  God is great, God is good, and God is worthy of my praise regardless of how I feel.  Praise The Lord!

In The Gutter

As I was walking to the post office today I spotted a nail on the side of the road.  It was in the gutter and I walked right passed it, but as soon as I did my heart spoke to me.  "You know if you leave that there someone could end up with a flat tire."  I realized that essentially that flat tire would be my fault because I could have taken a step to prevent it but instead ignored that opportunity.  I walked back a few steps and then forward again and saw the nail once more.  This time I picked it up and removed it from its threatening position.  As I carried it I pondered this lesson...

It isn't such a big deal to pick up a nail from the side of the road, but when I think of all the things I could do and don't, it is overwhelming.  How many much more serious situations could I play an intervening role in?  How could I help orphaned children?  How could I help feed the hungry?  How could I help people with disabilities find meaningful productive employment?  How many hopeless hearts could I turn to The Savior?  

I can't help everyone, but I can help someone!  I can't stop every accident or injury from happening, but there are some that I can take proactive steps to prevent.  I can't clean up every messy situation, but I can role up my sleeves and pitch in.  I can't take care of every orphan in the world, but I can make a difference for some.  I can't feed every hungry person in the world, but I can feed some.  I don't know how to help the disabled, but I can support those who do.  I won't be able to lead every lost soul to Christ, but I can start a chain reaction every time I show one person The Way.

It's time to start making more of a positive impact on the world.  It's time to start helping people out of the gutter, picking them up off the side of the road regardless of how they got there.  I pray for the strength.  My last blog post was about running.  I confess, I have stopped again.  Low iron levels sapped my energy, and I quit.  That doesn't mean I am done for good, but I'm definitely taking an extended break again.  I take a lot of naps these days, but I don't want to be all talk and no action.  I don't want to write this post and then do nothing.  I will be emailing a friend today to see how I can help with their cause.  

Praising The Lord for His goodness and mercy!

James 1:27  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
 

Hands Lifted High

In November of last year I quit running.  I would do a little on the treadmill or elliptical here or there, but I really gave up.  In April of this year I came back, and it was hard.  I felt awful and wanted to quit, but I was inspired to literally lift my hands in praise to God and keep going.  Whenever I felt like quitting over those first few weeks, I would lift my hands in praise.  Soon it wasn't as hard and I began lifting my hands in Praise when I felt good.  People driving down the road probably wonder what I am doing, but I am trying to form a habit of praise regardless of how I feel or who is watching. 

I have to admit that I am having a harder time applying this principle to real life.  Sometimes I just get caught up in how bad I feel.  Sunday was the worst day I have had in a long time, and Monday was a close second.  As I sobbed over something I had done that filled me with regret, at one point I did force my hands in the air.  See, I can't always change the way I feel, but raising my hands is something I can physically do, despite how I feel.  It signifies that I am recognizing God's goodness.  

This is something I should practice more, acknowledging that God is greater than my feelings whether  they are good or bad, physical or emotional.  I want to be honest and sincere, so I don't want to pretend that I feel differently than I do, but giving glory to God can be an act of the will even when  my emotions aren't on the same page.  I often wish that I didn't struggle with these negative feeling, and that I could just always be bubbling over with happiness, but that's just not the way things are.  I know that joy is a fruit of the Spirit, so I become concerned when I don't feel joyful, but I should bear  joy in my actions just as I should act lovingly even when I don't feel like it: not as a performance, but as an act of the will.  

I know that my melancholy moods bring the people around me down too.  I surely don't want to be a thundercloud, I would much rather be a ray of sunshine.  Lately things have been rather gloomy, but I really need to let go of those clouds and let the light shine.  I really surprised myself today when someone asked me how I was, and I replied that I was "good" in a fairly convincing way.  I try to avoid doing that if I don't really mean it.  I heard the words come out of my mouth and thought, "What did I just say?  Is that the truth?"  I think there must be some truth to it.  I am definitely much better than I was two days ago even though I feel tired and still lack motivation in places where I am usually most motivated.

I guess it is time to lift my hands to heaven and praise God because He doesn't change like my feelings and moods do; He is always good, and He loves me even though I am a mess...  for now.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:9

What Just Happened?

We stopped at Sheetz in Bellewood today and ended up paying for an unexpected performance.  What I mean to say is: I think we were scammed.  As I was closing the door to the Suburban, a women approached asking for help.  She appeared to be on the verge of hysteria and rather in a hurry.  She told us that her mother had been in an accident and was life flighted to Pittsburgh.  She had called her sister-in-law to come take her out there, but had left in such a hurry she didn't have any money for gas.  If we could just give her $10 she would mail it back to us later.  Yes there were definitely yellow flags all over the situation, but I looked at Eric and he pulled a ten dollar bill out of his wallet.  He handed it to me, and I handed it to the lady.  She said again, "I can send it back to you."  The words that came out of my mouth were something like this:  "In the name of Jesus, God bless you."  Meanwhile I grabbed the woman's hand and squeezed it for a second.  It was like I was not myself.  As she turned to get back in the car with her "sister-in-law" I told her we would pray for her mother, and she said, "God bless you." 

I did glance over to see what she did when she got in the car.  She was talking to the other lady and still seemed to have her tears on.  As I took Eric's hand and bowed my head to pray over a situation I suspected to be fake, the car backed out and drove away without stopping at the gas pump.  They even yelled thank you out the window.  It seemed they were much more cheerful.  A moment earlier she had said, "God bless you," as she had gotten in the car still acting shaken and frightened.  Now it seemed they might be laughing at us.  I had hoped they were sincere despite the feeling that it was a set up, and yet I didn't want her mother to be hurt.  When they were gone and I had prayed for the mom, I expressed my thoughts about what had just transpired.  My sweet daughter didn't want to believe it, and was a bit shocked that I would jump to that conclusion, but after she recalled the details I think she was in agreement.  We all know that $10 worth of gas wasn't going to get them anywhere near Pittsburgh.  I told her that we want to be able to think the best of people, but we have to be cautious too.  We all know that $10 worth of gas wasn't going to get those ladies anywhere near Pittsburgh.  My girl wanted to know why she would have done that for $10.  I told her that if she gets $10 from 300 people she'll have $3,000.  As fishy as it was I don't think we would have given her much more money.

The truth is that we did give her much more than $10.  We showed love and compassion for her.  We treated her as though the circumstances she described were real, and we cared about her.  We shared our faith with her in a couple of short sentences.  We didn't get to tell what Jesus had done for her, but as I squeezed her hand I felt something.  I felt like I was being used as a conduit of God's love.  In a way I received a blessing.  I have no idea what she will use the money for, but maybe that scene will replay in her mind as it does in mine.  Maybe she felt God's love for her at that moment as I did.  Maybe it will be one of many signposts along her journey that point her to Jesus.  Maybe, though, she will just laugh about it and talk about what fools Christians are;  God's Word does say, "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."  1 Corinthians 1:18.  Regardless of what she does, we can have peace in knowing that we did what we could in the moment.  I will pray for the mother despite my suspicions, but I will pray for the daughter all the more.  

Maybe I am wrong.  I don't think so, but I could be.  Maybe she was so happy that someone helped her that she forgot to get gas.  I doubt it, but either way neither Eric or I see any other way that we should have handled the situation as it was.  Maybe we were meant to just show her love.  Maybe we were meant to pray for her.  Maybe we were meant to warn others to beware of the scam in that location.  Watch out if you stop at Sheetz in Bellewood.  I would guess that is not the only location they are visiting, and they are surely not the only ones out there doing this kind of thing, so please just use caution wherever you are. As it is we are only $10 poorer monetarily, but we are a bit more rich in experience.  I pray that God uses the interaction to shine a little light in the woman's heart.  It's a very weird feeling, having the feeling of being taken advantage of, and yet not knowing for sure.  If something like this were to happen again we could consider offering to make the purchase ourselves instead; the tank may have already been full. It was so surreal, though, and neither of us really hesitated.  I have the feeling that we were meant to deliver the message as we did. 

Celebrate Life!

On the morning of October 4 our family is planning to participate in the Celebrate Life 5K and 10 mile bike ride.  We won't all be doing both.  They start at the same time, so we will have to chose one or the other.  I, Juanita, plan to run the 5K, while the kids will likely want to ride their bikes.  Eric will probably run or walk depending on his physical condition.  His back often bothers him, so it will depend on how he is feeling in October. I may end up walking with Eric or we might both decide to ride with the kids depending on the circumstances.  We don't have to decide that quite yet, but we are all going to get out there and do this!  Each member of the family was given a choice of whether or not to participate, and they all said yes.  :)

Celebrate Life is an important fundraising event for the Pregnancy Resource Clinic in State College.  PRC's mission is  to educate, encourage, and empower men and women to make informed life choices. Their services include free and confidential pregnancy tests, ultrasound, STI testing/treatment, materials assistance, abortion recovery support, and more.  Our family wants to help by raising $1200 ($200 per person) in sponsorship for Celebrate Life.  

There are a couple of ways you can get involved!  If you would like to contribute to our fundraising goal you can do that at The Huyett Family's Fundraising Page, or if you are not comfortable giving online, you can mail a donation to Pregnancy Resource Clinic, 423 South Pugh Street, State College, PA 16801. The other way you can get involved is by signing up to walk, run or ride.  Participants have the option of paying a $25 registration fee if they prefer not to raise funds.  There are also volunteer opportunities available year round.  You can find information by following this link. 

We count it a privilege to be able to participate in this event for a worthy cause.  We appreciate each of our sponsors and fellow participants, and are blessed by their encouragement, sponsorship and support.  Sometimes people just need a helping hand and someone to guide them.  Your generosity to PRC provides that for people facing unplanned pregnancies and STIs. 

I leave you with this passage from Matthew 25: 34Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

Making A Mark

The world is mourning over the death of one man today.  Robin Williams was loved by so many people.  People who never met him thought the world of him because he made them laugh and he made them cry.  He made a mark on the world with his humor and wit, as well as compassion and kindness, and in his passing he has brought instant attention to the cause of Mental Heath Awareness.  The question has been asked, why would a man like this take his own life?  As I watch the struggle to understand flood social media, and as I read post after post on the dangers of depression, I can't help but reflect on my own struggles.

As a teen I remember thinking about suicide.  I remember the feeling that I just wasn't important to anyone, how could I forget, I still struggle with the same thoughts today.  I remember scratching at my wrists with an object that barely had an edge.  What was I doing?  Crying out for some attention is probably the best answer, but flirting with the possibility might be a close second.  I was just making a mark, but what if I slipped and cut deep enough?  It wasn't really going to happen, but what if?  All I really succeeded in doing was scaring my closest friends and causing them to worry about me, but truthfully I still think about dying and wonder how much people would care if I were gone.  I'm only being honest here.  Maybe someone can relate to how I feel and know that they are not alone.  Maybe someone out there is searching for the listening ear of someone who understands.  I understand.  
 

About two years ago I was caught in a pretty tough depression.  As I read the posts of the current day about what depression is really like, I definitely understand what they are talking about. I don't really flirt with suicide anymore. I firmly believe that when I leave this earth is not my decision to make. That may be why I only ever flirted with it in the first place, or it may be because I have just never hit the ultimate bottom.  Either way, instead of planning out how to end my life I would sometimes think about how I might die quickly in an accident or sudden collapse without taking anyone with me.  I would be driving down the road alone thinking, "I am going to drive like I always do, but if that tractor trailer hits me it wouldn't be so bad as long as I die instantly." 

The outcry of today is, if you are depressed go get help!  One of the articles I was reading said that for someone who is depressed, asking for help is counter intuitive.  It is true.  When I was struggling I thought about going to see my doctor, but I didn't have it in me to actually do it.   I hope I never have to go through that again, but if I do I hope someone will take the initiative to step in and help.  While I am sad that Robin Williams ended his life and view it as a tragedy, I hope that good will come from it for others as the seriousness of depression is finally being recognized.  I don't think anyone else could have raised awareness to this degree.  As more and more information is shared I hope that more and more people will be helped.  I hope that they will find the thread of strength that they need to admit what they are going through.  I hope that many will take comfort in the fact that they are not the only one struggling with this, and I hope that friends and family will be understanding, compassionate and willing to get involved.  May the loss of one man's life save the lives of many others.  I don't mean to glorify it or treat it like a heroic thing, nor do I intend to blame or accuse him.  I just know that God can use even tragedy to bring about something good.