Free From the False Fine (And So Much More)

The more I felt depression winning the battle the more I learned to dread the question.  In fact the question only added to my conviction that I was better off not being around people, and they were better off not being around me.  I valued truth and honesty even as the lies were being hurled relentlessly in my direction and I was believing them.  I wanted to be genuine, but no one wanted to hear the real answer to the question.  "Hi, how are you?"  

"Well, since you asked, I'm completely miserable, but I am afraid to talk to anyone about it.  Anytime I try I am met with admonition about how I should be counting my blessings and how much worse someone else has it.  Ironic, I am sensible enough to know that my circumstances are more favorable than most, but I can't shake this cloud hanging over my head.  I can't see two steps in front of me. Knowing that others have it worse really isn't a comfort, it's a guilt trip, and the last thing I need right now is guilt to carry through this fog.  If you really want to help me, then encourage me.  I can't think rationally, so I will probably believe the ugly voices inside my head instead, but you could try to give me some hope." 

No one wants to hear that answer, and if I had given it I would only feel like I had somehow begged for compliments.  So, what's the go to answer that anyone in my position would give?  Fine.  I hated the question, and I hated the answer.  It was a lie.  There was nothing fine about me, and even if I could have withstood the responses, it was socially unacceptable to tell the truth.  I saw this image in social media today, and it gave me that last nudge I needed to write on a topic I have been contemplating since I finally got real help.  

It didn't take long after my husband scheduled an appointment with my doctor, and I began treatment, that I felt an improvement, but I was still too unstable to face opposition.  I was so afraid that I would be judged for taking an anti depressant.  "You are a Christian.  The Joy of The Lord is supposed to be your strength. You're not supposed to need medication.  Maybe you're not who I thought you were."  The underlying message:  If you can't lean on The Lord to get you through this without pills, you're a failure."  I knew the medication was helping, and I knew that any outside discouragement would only complicate things, so I kept it a secret for a while.

I didn't want to keep it a secret forever though.  I have gradually shared my experience with friends and family.  There have to be others that are out there feeling like I did.  They are trapped in a heavy mist that they can barely see through, and they are believing many lies from an invisible enemy.  One of those lies it that you're a failure if you accept medical treatment.  I am here to tell you that God created the body, that He understands chemical imbalances, that they are a result of the fall just like diabetes, cancer, or any other illness.  There aren't many people out there who would tell someone with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or insulin dependence not to take their medicine, but you cross over into psychological issues like ADHD, depression and anxiety, and suddenly there's a barrage of well meaning people who will try to tell you that very thing.  "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."  "It's mind over matter."  "Where's your faith?"  

I have struggled with bouts of depression all my life.  I won't go into the family history side of things, but I believe it was passed down to me.  Last year things got so bad with my "mood disorder" that I could see it's devastating affect on my own children.  My daughter despised me, and my youngest son was showing signs of depression.  I thought about the misery of my childhood, and how medical intervention could have made a world of difference.  I decided that I didn't want to let pride ruin my family, but I was afraid.  My husband finally asked if I wanted him to make and appointment, and I admitted that I did.  I needed help.  I didn't just need help; I needed help getting help.  I began iron replacement treatments because I was depleted and exhausted, and we left with a prescription that the three of us agreed would wait until the iron had a chance to revive me a bit.  We wanted to see how much improvement there would be with the iron alone.  It wasn't enough.  I wasn't just physically exhausted though that was a catalyst.  Once my serotonin level began to recover, my relationship with my daughter began to improve and heal.  My youngest son began to come around too.  He's a happy-go-lucky guy now.  Even my older two sons who were better able to deal with my emotional roller coaster are much happier.  

I do have the joy of The Lord, but I was sick.  I thank God often for the tiny little pill that helped stabilize my emotions and allow me to think rationally.  It didn't change who I am, it changed my ability to control my reactions.  I don't feel drugged, I feel human again.  I can't adequately describe what I felt like before, but it was like I didn't even recognize myself.  I wasn't who I wanted to be, or even who I really am.  I was angry all the time for practically no reason.  I couldn't cope with everyday issues in life.  I would get completely fixated on a conceived problem, and could not move on or let it go.  The smallest thing could shut me down or, well, blow me up like a raging volcano spewing all over everyone in my path. 

Today is a new day.  I still have some that are difficult, and they scare me because I never want to go back there again.  A bad day can feel like a relapse, but when it's over I can appreciate it for its brevity and the reminder to be all the more thankful for the good ones.  If you ask me how I am I still cringe a little on the inside.  It's time to get over that and remove the word "fine" from my vocabulary.  No matter what kind of day or week I am having, even if the medicine were to stop working altogether, I am a child of God: I am bought with a price, I am ransomed, I am redeemed.  "I AM FREE!"  Even in a cloud under enemy fire, "I AM FREE!"  That was the one thing I knew even when the night was darkest.  My soul cannot be bound by the chains of sin, though my body and mind be subjected to it's effects.  Because my Savior lives I can always answer, "I AM FREE!"

The Good, The Bad, and The Forgiven

I am kinda tired of everyone judging someone else as if their own sins aren't "as bad."  Yes, I do it, you do it, we all do it.  Everyone has that one thing they just can't stand and consider unforgivable.  Thank God He sent His Son so that every sin can be forgiven and left it the past where it belongs.  I sure wouldn't want to suddenly be the object of disdain today for something I did as a teen.  I'm not "the same person" I was back then.  I still mess up all the time.  I just mess up differently.  Who am I to look at someone and say their sin is worse than mine?  Of course being sorry for what you have done and striving not to do it anymore definitely counts for something.  Refusing to acknowledge your own guilt is the real issue:  thinking that you should be considered righteous based on your own actions, or even despite them, without admitting that you are guilty and need a Savior.  

So many people today live with a double standard, just like the Pharisees that Jesus rebuked time and time again.  Somehow they thought they could define "the rules" so that they applied to everyone but them.  They refused to open their eyes and see that this very thing is what made them so despicable.  God has set the standards of right and wrong according to His own nature.  Anything that is uncharacteristic of God Himself is sin.  He is truth.  Being untruthful is therefore sin.  He is just.  Being unjust is therefore sin.  Is He fair?  Would you consider executing one perfect man to pay the penalty for every sinful man and woman who would ever believe fair?  I say it's not fair.  It is just.  The sin was committed, and the sin was paid for, but it's not fair.  Fair would be for each of us to be punished for our own sin.  It may not seem fair that the thing you or I want to do, or the lifestyle you or I want to live is considered sin.  It doesn't have to be fair.  If we depended on what was fair we would be doomed.  Grace isn't fair.  Grace is receiving kindness you don't deserve.  Mercy isn't fair.  Mercy is being pardoned from a punishment you do deserve.  If we could all just take off our self righteous masks and say, "I am a sinner.  This thing that I do, or this way that I have been living deserves punishment.  I trust in Jesus who took the punishment for me so that I could live for Him," if we could just say it and mean it with all of our hearts, we could see that we are no better and no worse than the others around us.  The difference may just be that they haven't understood yet what Jesus did for them.  The difference could be that we are trusting in our works and "causes" to justify us. It might just be time to humble ourselves.  The difference could be a simple conversation explaining that there is forgiveness available for any and every sin or crime that has been committed.  Are we ready to make a difference?   

I am not going to condone sin, or defend the act, but I will view each person as one who has been made and loved by the God of the universe.  I will respect their rights as a human being, and will treat them with kindness even if I must reject their actions.  It's easier said than done.  The actions of others hurt me and those I love.  There is emotional and sometimes physical damage because of the way people have treated us or because of things they have exposed to us that we should not have had to witness.  Forgiving them and viewing them as someone who deserves God's forgiveness as much as I do is a hard pill to swallow, but for the sake of wellness and healing and my own forgiven state, it must be swallowed.  After all, look at how many times I myself have hurt or offended someone else.  Look at the emotional scarring my words have caused or even the injury that my anger or carelessness has caused.  We are equal in wrongdoing. We are equal in the fact that Christ died for both of us.  If we are not equal in our decision to trust in Him, then I pray for that to change.

Lord, please help me to see others the way you see them.  Please show me the things in my life that I need to turn from so that I am truly following you, and help the person reading this to take into consideration the heart of this matter and trust you to forgive them for things they haven't even been able to face as sin before.  Help us all to forgive others as we ourselves have been forgiven.  

In Jesus name I pray these things, amen.

Helplessly Watching

The tears in my eyes flow from my heart.  People say you have to do what's best for you so you can be happy.  What do they know?  This is a very popular lie!  Are you really going to be happy when you've hurt everyone around you:  your friends, your brother, your mother...  Don't you think they know something about what is best for you.  Don't you think they are hurting because they know you've chosen the wrong path? You asked for advice and then you ignored it.  That's how a kingdom was divided once upon a time.  The new king asked his father's advisers what he should do, but he didn't like their answer so he asked his foolish friends.  Whose advise did he take?  He took the advice he wanted to hear.  He knew just who to ask to get the answer he wanted.  There's no way to keep the hurt from snowballing now. Everyone will end up being hurt in the end.  I love you, and I just can't bear this.  You are making such a huge mistake.  I wish I could have prevented it, but some things have to be learned the hard way.  Wisdom is knowing who will tell you the truth and having the courage to follow their advice.  I hope when you realize what you have given up it will still be there for you to win back.

Silly Goat!

Yesterday morning I had a little mishap and one of our goats, Buttermilk, ended up getting out of the pen.  She has kids who are four weeks old, and they were inside the pen.  She wanted to get in to them, but she wouldn't use the gate and refused to let me help her.  Every time I got near her she would dodge me and try to find her own way in.  She walked along the fence as if expecting to find an opening that had not been there before.  Her kids are so cute and fun to watch, so I gave her some space and grabbed the camera for a video of their new jumping game.  In the video you can see Buttermilk outside the pen walking along the fence.  Silly goat!  After a while I went looking for Darren, because I thought she might respond better to him.  I am more associated with discipline.  "You have to get on the milk stand Buttermilk."  "Buttermilk, hold still."  "No, Buttermilk, you can't have Edelweiss' food."  Darren wasn't here though, he had gone out with his Dad, so Heather brought up some food at my request, and as soon as Buttermilk saw the food enter the gate she followed.  

This reminds me that Jesus is the gate, and He is the only way to Heaven.  Many of us are like Buttermilk.  We want to go to Heaven, but we spend our lives looking for our own way in.  There is no other way.  When someone tries to help us, we make a dash the other direction.  We nibble the grass on the outside, but hunger for what is inside.  Often it is when someone reaches a point of desperation that they finally realize their need and enter the gate that has been there all along.  They finally realize the provision that has been made and stop looking at the provider as a cold enforcer of rules.  Inside the pen there is shelter and protection.  Inside the pen there are loved ones waiting. Inside the pen there is sustenance.  Inside the pen there is joy, but the gate is the only way.

Come to the gate, it will be opened for you.  Come to Jesus, He laid down His life for you!

John 10:9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture.

A Void Where Inhibited

Important note:  I wrote this post in September and left it unpublished until now.  After writing it I decided, with Eric's help,  to receive all the treatment offered.  I am doing much better!  I'm sharing this in case it helps someone who can relate.

 My life is so full, but I feel so empty.  What is this vapor that consumes me? Where does this fog come from that obscures all the blessing I know to be veiled by it?  Dare I call it depression?  Should I be allowed the luxury of a diagnosis that is treatable?   How many people whose support I long for would judge and condemn me for accepting treatment?  How many would instead praise God that there is help for me?  It's so frustrating to be sick and feel obligated to refuse the medicine that could help.  It seems ridiculous that I should be struggling with this since my circumstances seem so easy, but there are also echoes from my childhood to take into consideration.

Eric took me to the doctor on Friday.  I have not been well.  The physical symptoms aren't alarming.  I am tired.  My arms and legs feel week.  I can't quite describe this.  In a way it feels like I have used them much harder than I actually have, but on the other hand they feel almost numb. My heart feels about the same as my arms and legs.  The smallest things seem to wear me out emotionally, and I would  often rather be asleep than awake because I am weary of the thoughts in my head.  It's easy for people to tell me, "just think about the positive and count your blessings," but like I said before it's like I'm in a fog.  It's disorienting.  

My doctor is a great guy.  He spent a lot of time with Eric and I trying to sort through to the cause of these symptoms, taking my faith seriously as we discussed the emotional issues.  It is definite that my iron level is very low, and that causes tiredness, sleep disruption, and can otherwise affect the brain's ability to process things.  I will be receiving intravenous iron treatments every two weeks, which began Friday, until I have had four of them.  None of us, my doctor, Eric or I, are fully convinced that all of my symptoms are being caused by the iron deficiency though.  Depression is a factor to be considered.  Could I cope with it if I was felling better physically, or is my mood actually causing some of the physical symptoms?  We don't know.  

I have a couple of options.  I can wait to see what happens with the iron alone, or I can also start a low dose anti depressant. If the latter were to help that would be a sign that there is a chemistry problem in my brain, and if it wouldn't help I would stop taking it.  We have all three agreed to give the iron a few days to improve my energy level before deciding to take the other medication.  I probably won't feel much improvement until the third day.  I know I have a history of emotional struggles; what I don't know is how long I have been iron deficient, or how significant of an impact that has on my emotions.  I do know this:  I do not wish to let my pride stand in the way of wellness, nor do I want my children to be continually subject to the negative influence of a depressed mother.  

I am very much feeling inhibited.  I haven't been feeling like I can't participate on the Worship Team, or in certain Sunday School discussions.  I skipped a teacher training meeting for CEF, and sometimes just won't answer the phone.  I shy away from social settings because of my inibility to handle my emotions.  I have made blunders recently that I do not wish to repeat.  I know that I am irrational when I am overly tired or hungry, and right now I am always tired.  It doesn't take much to push me over the edge.  I don't like the way I act or the things that I hear myself saying much of the time.  I feel lonely because seclusion seems easier and safer than interaction.  On top of all of that I feel like I would be judged by friends and family for taking the medication, but I don't think I would want to hide it either.  I go to Facebook to see friends in a context where I am not necessarily expected to speak; I am really feeling alone. I know God is here.  Jesus said, "My sheep know my voice," but I have such difficulty focusing in on it in the emotional chaos.  Perhaps I am too busy stumbling around in my heart even as I lie still in my bed. I want the other voices to cease so I can hear His.  I pray for healing.  God is great, God is good, and God is worthy of my praise regardless of how I feel.  Praise The Lord!

In The Gutter

As I was walking to the post office today I spotted a nail on the side of the road.  It was in the gutter and I walked right passed it, but as soon as I did my heart spoke to me.  "You know if you leave that there someone could end up with a flat tire."  I realized that essentially that flat tire would be my fault because I could have taken a step to prevent it but instead ignored that opportunity.  I walked back a few steps and then forward again and saw the nail once more.  This time I picked it up and removed it from its threatening position.  As I carried it I pondered this lesson...

It isn't such a big deal to pick up a nail from the side of the road, but when I think of all the things I could do and don't, it is overwhelming.  How many much more serious situations could I play an intervening role in?  How could I help orphaned children?  How could I help feed the hungry?  How could I help people with disabilities find meaningful productive employment?  How many hopeless hearts could I turn to The Savior?  

I can't help everyone, but I can help someone!  I can't stop every accident or injury from happening, but there are some that I can take proactive steps to prevent.  I can't clean up every messy situation, but I can role up my sleeves and pitch in.  I can't take care of every orphan in the world, but I can make a difference for some.  I can't feed every hungry person in the world, but I can feed some.  I don't know how to help the disabled, but I can support those who do.  I won't be able to lead every lost soul to Christ, but I can start a chain reaction every time I show one person The Way.

It's time to start making more of a positive impact on the world.  It's time to start helping people out of the gutter, picking them up off the side of the road regardless of how they got there.  I pray for the strength.  My last blog post was about running.  I confess, I have stopped again.  Low iron levels sapped my energy, and I quit.  That doesn't mean I am done for good, but I'm definitely taking an extended break again.  I take a lot of naps these days, but I don't want to be all talk and no action.  I don't want to write this post and then do nothing.  I will be emailing a friend today to see how I can help with their cause.  

Praising The Lord for His goodness and mercy!

James 1:27  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
 

Hands Lifted High

In November of last year I quit running.  I would do a little on the treadmill or elliptical here or there, but I really gave up.  In April of this year I came back, and it was hard.  I felt awful and wanted to quit, but I was inspired to literally lift my hands in praise to God and keep going.  Whenever I felt like quitting over those first few weeks, I would lift my hands in praise.  Soon it wasn't as hard and I began lifting my hands in Praise when I felt good.  People driving down the road probably wonder what I am doing, but I am trying to form a habit of praise regardless of how I feel or who is watching. 

I have to admit that I am having a harder time applying this principle to real life.  Sometimes I just get caught up in how bad I feel.  Sunday was the worst day I have had in a long time, and Monday was a close second.  As I sobbed over something I had done that filled me with regret, at one point I did force my hands in the air.  See, I can't always change the way I feel, but raising my hands is something I can physically do, despite how I feel.  It signifies that I am recognizing God's goodness.  

This is something I should practice more, acknowledging that God is greater than my feelings whether  they are good or bad, physical or emotional.  I want to be honest and sincere, so I don't want to pretend that I feel differently than I do, but giving glory to God can be an act of the will even when  my emotions aren't on the same page.  I often wish that I didn't struggle with these negative feeling, and that I could just always be bubbling over with happiness, but that's just not the way things are.  I know that joy is a fruit of the Spirit, so I become concerned when I don't feel joyful, but I should bear  joy in my actions just as I should act lovingly even when I don't feel like it: not as a performance, but as an act of the will.  

I know that my melancholy moods bring the people around me down too.  I surely don't want to be a thundercloud, I would much rather be a ray of sunshine.  Lately things have been rather gloomy, but I really need to let go of those clouds and let the light shine.  I really surprised myself today when someone asked me how I was, and I replied that I was "good" in a fairly convincing way.  I try to avoid doing that if I don't really mean it.  I heard the words come out of my mouth and thought, "What did I just say?  Is that the truth?"  I think there must be some truth to it.  I am definitely much better than I was two days ago even though I feel tired and still lack motivation in places where I am usually most motivated.

I guess it is time to lift my hands to heaven and praise God because He doesn't change like my feelings and moods do; He is always good, and He loves me even though I am a mess...  for now.

"...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:9