Woe and Whoa

Woe is me.  People are angry.  People are indignant.  There are fingers pointing at me.  What shall I do?  Am I guilty?  I should be.  I was wrong.  I made bad choices.  I deserve punishment worse than anything they are even considering.  I'll ask again, am I guilty?  I was, but I have been pardoned.  The judge has set me free and counts me as righteous.  Why would He do that?  Because someone else, His own Son, stepped in and willingly paid the penalty for my transgression.  My record says "Not Guilty."  That's how it is. 

Now that the judge has freed me from my guilt, what am I going to do with the shame.  Shame?  I'm not guilty.  Why should I have shame.  Well, shame works differently than guilt.  It's an odd thing really.  The judge frees a person of their sentence but the world does not.  Shame is not as much about what was done as it is about comparison.  If I am seen as having done something worse than the person sitting next to me, I am shamed.  The person on my right thinks they would NEVER do what I had done.  Or would they?  I once was that person, but now I know that there is nothing too low for me to be involved in, and when I avoid certain crimes, sins, behaviors; it is only by the grace of God preventing it.  I am depraved. 

The person on my left actually thinks that they have done things worse than me, so they are shamed.   It's time they understood that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  But Whoa!  You know what?  It's time the guy on my right figures that out too.  A person who thinks that they are better than others based on their own merit is to be pitied most of all.  If they are never able to admit their faults they will never see the need to go to the judge for a pardon.  They will never see "Not Guilty" stamped on their record. 

So what shall I do with the shame?  I think it's time to get out of line.  Why do people spend their time and energy and peace judging each others sins as somehow better or worse than our own?  One thing that has come out of my darkness is a knowledge that penetrates the heart saying, "You are no better than your neighbor."  It should also tell me "your neighbor is no better than you.  You are equals."  There is no shame among equals. 

Woe is me!  I can't seem to forgive myself.  I can't seem to leave the past behind me and move on without the shame.  But, whoa unto me.  Who am I to shame a person Jesus has pardoned? 

This Grace Is 4 U 2

Really?  Could it be for me?   This girl who spent so much energy warning about sins destruction and preaching about grace, mercy and forgiveness, could she be entitled to the benefits of adoption she preached to her brothers and sisters and the world?  This girl fell so far.  She was living deep in sin.  She was living there knowing that she has a Savior who suffered and died for the very things she was doing, and she indulged.  While she was there she knew she was forgiven.  Somehow she was able to wrap her mind around it while she was there, but now that she is turning around she has an awful hard time with the concept.  She believes that her Savior forgives her.  She does.  She is having a most difficult time forgiving herself for so many facets of what she has been through, but what right has she to withhold something that God gives freely.  She can't believe that people will forgive her either.  She can't see her future.  She was once a writing, singing testimony of God's love.  Now, here in this place where God's love is so evident as the only thing that can save her, she fears she has lost the right to be His spokesperson.  She fears she will only be a mockery and laughing stock.  She is so stuck between who she is and who she wants to be that she can't see a way forward.  She knows though.  Deep down she knows.  This grace is for you too child.  Accept it as you would have others accept it.  God will make a way.  That's what He does.  No matter what you've done, He is who He is and that will never change.  He is still your Father.  He still loves you.  He will make a way forward for you and use you again.  It might even transpire before you realize what has happened.  Don't look to the world to forgive you.  Don't be surprised when others won't forgive.  Live in God's grace and forgiveness and leave the world to Him.  In His time you will see the results that now seem impossible.  Your light might seem dim, but let it shine just the same.  Even a dim light is a help in the darkness. 

Ho Hum

Have you ever felt like everyone else gets the best of your family: your spouse, your kids, your parents, and you just get whatever is left over?  Do you ever feel like there just isn't much left over?  I have to think that everyone must feel that way sometimes.  We pour ourselves into our work, our ministry, our hobbies, and by the time we get around to being with our families we are exhausted.  We just want to rest, watch TV, veg out with a video game, or whatever low energy  solitary activity we enjoy.  Have you ever come home and tried to have a conversation with someone who is only half listening?  Have you ever been that person who keeps on reading while you attempt to make sense of what someone is telling you.  I am here to tell you that I am guilty of this, and so is everyone around me.  

What has happened to us?  Have we become so overwhelmed and overstimulated by society that we shut out the people who truly care about us.  Are we showing love when we half ignore the people in our homes.  One person is ready to have a conversation, the other can't look away from the computer.  The first person gives up and goes to find something quiet to do by their self, meanwhile the previously occupied person seeks them out to try to talk about what has been on their mind.  No one is listening to anyone else, at least they aren't REALLY listening.  We are letting our relationships slip away one TV show, one computer game, one nap at a time.  

I recently read an account of a man whose elderly mother moved into an apartment adjoining his house so that he and his family could help her with the things she needed assistance with.  He began to notice that she was usually watching TV when he came to say hello, but that as soon as he walked in she would turn the television off.  He began to think about this and realized that it was something she had always done.  She was showing her love for him by turning off the distractions and focusing fully on him during the time that he was there.  

I believe part of our problem is that we take each other for granted.  We live in the same house, we share the same food, we sit in the same living room, and we think that there will always be time later. The clock, however, keeps ticking away and we just continue on in our patterns of self absorbed distractions.  How many of us are lonely?  How many of us are becoming resentful?  How many of us are waiting for the people around them to engage?  I want to suggest that the only way to break the cycle is to commit to changing our own habits.  We cannot expect others to do for us what we are not willing to do for them.  I can put down my game of Scrabble and look my husband in the eye when he speaks to me, my automated opponent won't even notice.  I can push myself away from the desk and face my children when they ask me a question.  I can ask someone to go for a walk with me instead of laying down and taking a nap.  Maybe when they see how good it feels to have someone give them the time of day, they will want to do the same for others. 

If you've been feeling like you are being ignored, don't let discouragement and frustration get the best of you.  Be proactive.  Set an example worth following.  Make the changes that only you can make, and be amazed with what other changes follow.  Let's put our families back together, and let's start by being there for each other not only as a physical presence in the room, but with our minds and spirits and all that we are.  No more ho hum family bonds. It's time to make this real!

What I Lack

In this age of hot topics and heated debates it is easy to get drawn into an argument.  The vast majority seems to feel the need to pick a team and fight for their agenda.  I'm on a team, but it's not one of the more popular ones.  I'm on the Jesus team.  While others are looking for a fight and loudly proclaiming their position, I have to have faith that my position is clear without offensive words.  It's not that I don't have convictions on these matters, rather it's that Christ in me is teaching this vessel of His what is important.

Is purity important?  Yes, it is, so I should live as purely as I possibly can.  Is honesty important? Yes, so I should be honest at all times.  Is kindness important?  Why yes, yes it is!  That means that when I am called to speak I must speak the truth with kindness, though it may oppose popular opinion.  Is love important?  Indeed, Jesus said love is most important.  The apostle Paul wrote a beautiful chapter about it in Corinthians, trust me and click the link; it's worth the read.

So my desire is to exhibit love, what I lack is the willingness to unnecessarily alienate those who disagree with the truths I hold dear.  Does that mean I will not share my heart on these subjects?  No, it just means that I will do my utmost to do it at the right time and in the right context. It means that I want others to know that I will speak the truth from my heart, but that I will do so with respect and concern, not out of a need to be right or win an argument.  That means I have to have a relationship of trust with those I speak with.

Many of the issues we tear each other up over, on both sides, are fads or traditions that the crowds follow with the same uninformed eagerness that they follow fashion trends. Often rather than a true conviction of the heart and mind, we make our decisions based on emotion and desire.  We fail to step back and try to gain some perspective.  Why am I so dedicated to this principle?  Have I given the opposite point of view adequate consideration?  What is at the core of my belief system, and do my walk and my talk align with my values?  If I really examine my arguments, can I find a double standard in them?

I am willing to have discussions on the hot topics, but I would like to have them in the context of mutual respect.  If it has to be an argument with nasty, angry words and name calling, then it's not worth having because no one is really listening to anyone else. Let's take the time to listen to each other.  Let's make the effort to relate rather than react.  Let's remember to treat others the way we want them to treat us, not necessarily the way they are treating us.  Let's demonstrate 1 Corinthians 13 love:  real love.        

"...I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day."  2 Timothy 1:12

Free From the False Fine (And So Much More)

The more I felt depression winning the battle the more I learned to dread the question.  In fact the question only added to my conviction that I was better off not being around people, and they were better off not being around me.  I valued truth and honesty even as the lies were being hurled relentlessly in my direction and I was believing them.  I wanted to be genuine, but no one wanted to hear the real answer to the question.  "Hi, how are you?"  

"Well, since you asked, I'm completely miserable, but I am afraid to talk to anyone about it.  Anytime I try I am met with admonition about how I should be counting my blessings and how much worse someone else has it.  Ironic, I am sensible enough to know that my circumstances are more favorable than most, but I can't shake this cloud hanging over my head.  I can't see two steps in front of me. Knowing that others have it worse really isn't a comfort, it's a guilt trip, and the last thing I need right now is guilt to carry through this fog.  If you really want to help me, then encourage me.  I can't think rationally, so I will probably believe the ugly voices inside my head instead, but you could try to give me some hope." 

No one wants to hear that answer, and if I had given it I would only feel like I had somehow begged for compliments.  So, what's the go to answer that anyone in my position would give?  Fine.  I hated the question, and I hated the answer.  It was a lie.  There was nothing fine about me, and even if I could have withstood the responses, it was socially unacceptable to tell the truth.  I saw this image in social media today, and it gave me that last nudge I needed to write on a topic I have been contemplating since I finally got real help.  

It didn't take long after my husband scheduled an appointment with my doctor, and I began treatment, that I felt an improvement, but I was still too unstable to face opposition.  I was so afraid that I would be judged for taking an anti depressant.  "You are a Christian.  The Joy of The Lord is supposed to be your strength. You're not supposed to need medication.  Maybe you're not who I thought you were."  The underlying message:  If you can't lean on The Lord to get you through this without pills, you're a failure."  I knew the medication was helping, and I knew that any outside discouragement would only complicate things, so I kept it a secret for a while.

I didn't want to keep it a secret forever though.  I have gradually shared my experience with friends and family.  There have to be others that are out there feeling like I did.  They are trapped in a heavy mist that they can barely see through, and they are believing many lies from an invisible enemy.  One of those lies it that you're a failure if you accept medical treatment.  I am here to tell you that God created the body, that He understands chemical imbalances, that they are a result of the fall just like diabetes, cancer, or any other illness.  There aren't many people out there who would tell someone with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or insulin dependence not to take their medicine, but you cross over into psychological issues like ADHD, depression and anxiety, and suddenly there's a barrage of well meaning people who will try to tell you that very thing.  "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."  "It's mind over matter."  "Where's your faith?"  

I have struggled with bouts of depression all my life.  I won't go into the family history side of things, but I believe it was passed down to me.  Last year things got so bad with my "mood disorder" that I could see it's devastating affect on my own children.  My daughter despised me, and my youngest son was showing signs of depression.  I thought about the misery of my childhood, and how medical intervention could have made a world of difference.  I decided that I didn't want to let pride ruin my family, but I was afraid.  My husband finally asked if I wanted him to make and appointment, and I admitted that I did.  I needed help.  I didn't just need help; I needed help getting help.  I began iron replacement treatments because I was depleted and exhausted, and we left with a prescription that the three of us agreed would wait until the iron had a chance to revive me a bit.  We wanted to see how much improvement there would be with the iron alone.  It wasn't enough.  I wasn't just physically exhausted though that was a catalyst.  Once my serotonin level began to recover, my relationship with my daughter began to improve and heal.  My youngest son began to come around too.  He's a happy-go-lucky guy now.  Even my older two sons who were better able to deal with my emotional roller coaster are much happier.  

I do have the joy of The Lord, but I was sick.  I thank God often for the tiny little pill that helped stabilize my emotions and allow me to think rationally.  It didn't change who I am, it changed my ability to control my reactions.  I don't feel drugged, I feel human again.  I can't adequately describe what I felt like before, but it was like I didn't even recognize myself.  I wasn't who I wanted to be, or even who I really am.  I was angry all the time for practically no reason.  I couldn't cope with everyday issues in life.  I would get completely fixated on a conceived problem, and could not move on or let it go.  The smallest thing could shut me down or, well, blow me up like a raging volcano spewing all over everyone in my path. 

Today is a new day.  I still have some that are difficult, and they scare me because I never want to go back there again.  A bad day can feel like a relapse, but when it's over I can appreciate it for its brevity and the reminder to be all the more thankful for the good ones.  If you ask me how I am I still cringe a little on the inside.  It's time to get over that and remove the word "fine" from my vocabulary.  No matter what kind of day or week I am having, even if the medicine were to stop working altogether, I am a child of God: I am bought with a price, I am ransomed, I am redeemed.  "I AM FREE!"  Even in a cloud under enemy fire, "I AM FREE!"  That was the one thing I knew even when the night was darkest.  My soul cannot be bound by the chains of sin, though my body and mind be subjected to it's effects.  Because my Savior lives I can always answer, "I AM FREE!"

The Good, The Bad, and The Forgiven

I am kinda tired of everyone judging someone else as if their own sins aren't "as bad."  Yes, I do it, you do it, we all do it.  Everyone has that one thing they just can't stand and consider unforgivable.  Thank God He sent His Son so that every sin can be forgiven and left it the past where it belongs.  I sure wouldn't want to suddenly be the object of disdain today for something I did as a teen.  I'm not "the same person" I was back then.  I still mess up all the time.  I just mess up differently.  Who am I to look at someone and say their sin is worse than mine?  Of course being sorry for what you have done and striving not to do it anymore definitely counts for something.  Refusing to acknowledge your own guilt is the real issue:  thinking that you should be considered righteous based on your own actions, or even despite them, without admitting that you are guilty and need a Savior.  

So many people today live with a double standard, just like the Pharisees that Jesus rebuked time and time again.  Somehow they thought they could define "the rules" so that they applied to everyone but them.  They refused to open their eyes and see that this very thing is what made them so despicable.  God has set the standards of right and wrong according to His own nature.  Anything that is uncharacteristic of God Himself is sin.  He is truth.  Being untruthful is therefore sin.  He is just.  Being unjust is therefore sin.  Is He fair?  Would you consider executing one perfect man to pay the penalty for every sinful man and woman who would ever believe fair?  I say it's not fair.  It is just.  The sin was committed, and the sin was paid for, but it's not fair.  Fair would be for each of us to be punished for our own sin.  It may not seem fair that the thing you or I want to do, or the lifestyle you or I want to live is considered sin.  It doesn't have to be fair.  If we depended on what was fair we would be doomed.  Grace isn't fair.  Grace is receiving kindness you don't deserve.  Mercy isn't fair.  Mercy is being pardoned from a punishment you do deserve.  If we could all just take off our self righteous masks and say, "I am a sinner.  This thing that I do, or this way that I have been living deserves punishment.  I trust in Jesus who took the punishment for me so that I could live for Him," if we could just say it and mean it with all of our hearts, we could see that we are no better and no worse than the others around us.  The difference may just be that they haven't understood yet what Jesus did for them.  The difference could be that we are trusting in our works and "causes" to justify us. It might just be time to humble ourselves.  The difference could be a simple conversation explaining that there is forgiveness available for any and every sin or crime that has been committed.  Are we ready to make a difference?   

I am not going to condone sin, or defend the act, but I will view each person as one who has been made and loved by the God of the universe.  I will respect their rights as a human being, and will treat them with kindness even if I must reject their actions.  It's easier said than done.  The actions of others hurt me and those I love.  There is emotional and sometimes physical damage because of the way people have treated us or because of things they have exposed to us that we should not have had to witness.  Forgiving them and viewing them as someone who deserves God's forgiveness as much as I do is a hard pill to swallow, but for the sake of wellness and healing and my own forgiven state, it must be swallowed.  After all, look at how many times I myself have hurt or offended someone else.  Look at the emotional scarring my words have caused or even the injury that my anger or carelessness has caused.  We are equal in wrongdoing. We are equal in the fact that Christ died for both of us.  If we are not equal in our decision to trust in Him, then I pray for that to change.

Lord, please help me to see others the way you see them.  Please show me the things in my life that I need to turn from so that I am truly following you, and help the person reading this to take into consideration the heart of this matter and trust you to forgive them for things they haven't even been able to face as sin before.  Help us all to forgive others as we ourselves have been forgiven.  

In Jesus name I pray these things, amen.

Helplessly Watching

The tears in my eyes flow from my heart.  People say you have to do what's best for you so you can be happy.  What do they know?  This is a very popular lie!  Are you really going to be happy when you've hurt everyone around you:  your friends, your brother, your mother...  Don't you think they know something about what is best for you.  Don't you think they are hurting because they know you've chosen the wrong path? You asked for advice and then you ignored it.  That's how a kingdom was divided once upon a time.  The new king asked his father's advisers what he should do, but he didn't like their answer so he asked his foolish friends.  Whose advise did he take?  He took the advice he wanted to hear.  He knew just who to ask to get the answer he wanted.  There's no way to keep the hurt from snowballing now. Everyone will end up being hurt in the end.  I love you, and I just can't bear this.  You are making such a huge mistake.  I wish I could have prevented it, but some things have to be learned the hard way.  Wisdom is knowing who will tell you the truth and having the courage to follow their advice.  I hope when you realize what you have given up it will still be there for you to win back.